It has taken me a while to write this article. This is a part of my story that I don't like to share. I don't like to admit that there is a part of me that is filthy and gross. I hate that there is a part of me that has anything to do with such a disgusting industry, but there is. It is a part of my story. I won't deny it. I share this story because I am a firm believer that female porn addiction is more common than we realize, and it is sadly not talked about enough. I'm here to share my story in hopes that it brings freedom to modern women who are silently struggling and who feel alone.
Porn is an ever-growing problem in our world. It is everywhere. It is on the internet. It is in our books. Television is becoming more and more pornographic even if you don't struggle with porn. The temptation is constantly surrounding you and conditioning you to become an addict. Porn is becoming extremely normalized, but it shouldn't be. Porn robs you of your true identity, healthy sexual boundaries, and a righteous view of humanity. It hardens you and makes you desensitized to others. It makes you discontent, and this all happens with the idea that you can find fulfillment through a picture on a screen.
My story is a typical one of the modern porn addict. I was a child-- yes, you read me correctly-- a child. I was an eight year old who accidentally stumbled across something pornographic on the television, and that struck the chord of curiosity. My innocent mind wanted answers. I wanted to understand what I saw. That is the culture we are creating with the normalization of porn; children are seeing graphic material before they even know what sex is and they are searching for answers on their own. That was me. My parents monitored what I watched and they had the talk with me. They did it all right, and I still became a porn addicted child. Parents, you really need to watch out. Porn is everywhere and with all the technology, your kids have extensive access to it. Most of them have probably already seen it. Sorry for the harsh truth.
As I grew up, I felt the need to find answers and to fill some emotional needs. I got the answers I was looking for by escaping secretly to the computer or to my room to let the internet tell me the answers I sought. At different times in my life, I became more dependent on it, but I never wanted to admit that it was a problem. I was a good kid. I was a church girl. I promoted abstinence. I set boundaries in my relationships and still, I was secretly struggling with this very real problem. I felt disgusting. I couldn't stop. I was trapped.
As a girl and as a Christian, I felt I had nowhere to turn. Who do you talk to about this? I didn't want to admit that there was a problem. I didn't want to ruin my image. I also didn't really want to address the problem. Even though I hated watching porn, part of me still wanted to hold onto this secret sin. That's how you know that you really have a problem. I felt like a freak. In my mind, girls did not have this problem--especially Christian girls.
I remember nights alone in my room crying on my floor begging God to help me stop. I hated that I watched porn because I really did want purity in my life. I wanted those parts of myself to be reserved for my husband but instead I was giving them to pixels on a screen. Porn made me lose my identity. I wondered for a long time if I was even really a Christian because I couldn't stop. I wondered if I was straight because I thought only males watched porn. I wondered if I would ever be able to stop. I hated myself for doing that and the sad part is that for 12 years, no one knew. No one knew about the hidden part of myself. No one knew that for years while I served in the church and tried my best to love God, I believed that God was mad at me because I couldn't stop. My friends didn't know, the guys I dated didn't know, my church family didn't know and my parents didn't know. I was alone in this for 12 years.
When I was 19 years old, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I was dating someone that at the time I thought I would marry, and I couldn't live with the fact that he still didn't know. I wanted to be totally honest with him, but I couldn't tell him. He would hate me too. I felt paralyzed, and that is when I decided that enough was enough. If I was ever going to have healthy sexual boundaries, a healthy marriage, and freedom from this addiction, I was going to have to do something.
Finally, out of desperation, I googled "female porn addiction" and a particular video showed up. In this video, a woman shared her story of being a pastor's wife with a secret porn addiction. She shared how porn tore her marriage apart. Finally, she confessed her addiction to her husband. Together they worked through it and she found freedom. I knew then that the only way I would become free is if I told someone. I told the guy I was dating, and I also started telling some people in my close circle of friends. What happened astounded me. I began to feel free. I realized that I really was not alone. When I told people, they admitted to me that they also had been silently struggling. You may or may not profess faith in Christ, but here is what I know to be true. When we name our sins, they lose their power over us. When we confess, we are no longer trapped and we begin to find freedom.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." James 5:16
Now, as a 21 year old, I can honestly say that I have FINALLY found a lot of freedom. I still feel tempted sometimes. Everyone does. But I now know that I can choose differently. I value the people that perform in those videos, and I don't want to degrade them. I see them as people that God cares deeply about. I look at the source of my addiction. Porn is a lust problem, but it is also an emotional problem. Porn pretends to meet emotional needs, but it lies. It does not satisfy any need that we have. Only Jesus does that.
So please give this some consideration. Share this article. Be a part of the conversation. If we want to see a change in our lives, we have to talk about this. We have to tell the porn industry that enough is enough.
If you are a woman and you struggle with porn, I would encourage you to tell someone and speak out. Women need a voice in the porn discussion. You are not alone. Let this post be the permission for you to seek help and be free. Be mindful of what you watch. The smallest thing can be a trigger which can send you spiraling. Do not be ashamed because the majority of people you know- men and women- are addicted to porn and we all need help. We can do this together.
