I'd like to begin this article with a moving poem that I wrote about coffee; it's entitled, "Coffee...":

Drip, drip, drip.

What is that noise, Bob?

Bitter! Bitter!

What was that taste, Bob?

Wow. Oh la, la.

What can make people react this way, Bob?

It is the liquid of love, the juice of justice:

Coffee...

That poem has been published every year in Time magazine since 1982 and has been lauded as one of the most moving, poignant pieces of the century. You see, it evokes the senses that just a taste of coffee will activate, and it also uses the name Bob as a metaphor for God because they both have three letters (you'd only understand if you were cultured; it's high art). But I digress.

Coffee is the nectar of the gods; it flows through our veins and gives us life. Without coffee, Steve Jobs probably would have never invented the iPhone, and Mayweather would have never defeated Pacquiao. Coffee gives us energy and brings out our best selves.

A study conducted in Naples, Florida in 1947, put coffee's power to the ultimate test. Longtime coffee drinker and self-proclaimed doctor, Hans O'Ravioli, origins unknown, rounded up 20 fresh babies and fed them only coffee. After 70 years of ingesting only coffee, these infants proved that coffee does stunt one's growth; they didn't age a bit, even after all of that time. Twenty human beings who should be 70 year-old geezers with broken hips and wrinkled flesh, are still as small, adorable, and supple as they were when they exited their now long-deceased mothers' wombs.

"Coffee will make you live forever," said O'Ravioli, mere seconds before he died in a freak frisbee golf accident in 2003. Although the conductor of this historic study has left this earth, his words still hold true. Coffee is truly the essence of life, and is the key to ending all exhaustion, poverty, and human suffering, once and for all.