Today my absentee ballot came in the mail. I thought I would be excited! It is my first time ever getting the chance to use my voice to make a decision in order to better this world. I have waited 21 years for this opportunity! My time is now! So why can't I open the envelope? The truth, is I am completely petrified of voting. This is the first time I will ever vote. This is a moment I will carry with me for the rest of my life and I have to choose between Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and the long shot in Gary Johnson? This has got to be some kind of cruel joke.

I have attempted to be a well informed voter. Truly I have. I have done research when I should have been doing homework. I have watched speeches and debates. I have attempted to have conversations. Nothing has made this decision any clearer for me. You see, with these candidates, there is no middle ground. Everything is black and white and you can't have a conversation with someone who thinks they see things clearly. The truth is, we are all looking through foggy glasses. None of us know what the "right" thing to do is because neither candidate is morally right. You can defend them and their actions all you want. You can say that all the information out their is false or that the good out-weighs the bad. But no matter what argument you make, neither candidate is good for the job. However, we still have to vote for one of them. Think what you want, but I have nothing positive to say about either candidate. They both suck. Here we are getting to decide which sucks less. Yay.

I'm terrified. I have to think about who I want to be leading my country when I graduate and enter the work force. I have to think about who is going to make sure that my family is safe from outside threats. I have to determine who is going to truly let me practice my religion freely and not openly bash it. I have to think about the atrocious rape culture that exists. I have to think about taking care of my brothers and sisters. I have to think about my parents who are about to retire. I have to think about what decisions could potentially be made that will have an impact on the rest of my life.

That is an awful lot of pressure, especially when there are two candidates who have done horrible things; and yes, these horrible things are equivalent on each side. This election is going to be ugly and I can't step away and claim no responsibility. If I don't vote, I am at fault for not trying to elect a better president. If I do vote, I have to claim fault for what will inevitably go wrong. Whoever wins could potentially face assassination or part of the country could revolt. There are so many things that could happen after this election and it is scary. I am afraid of what this election is doing to my beloved country.

We are defending a man who is being accused of rape and a woman who has lied through her teeth too many times to count. We are supporting a woman who preaches tolerance and acceptance and yet speaks about destroying a religion that is against what she believes. We are supporting a man who uses the word "retard" as if it is still an acceptable descriptor. We are fighting our friends and family. We are openly asking and expecting people to tell us who they are voting for and then jumping down their throats when they don't say what we want.

There is no attempt at understanding, there is only I am right and you are wrong. We do not know what is right and wrong, yet we speak as if we do. Our country is being torn to shreds because two characterless imbeciles are running to become president. I do not know what I am going to do. I have less than a month to decide and nothing is getting any clearer. All I can do is pray that whoever gains the election leads this country on a bright path, or at least that they do nothing destructive. That is all I can do. That is all anyone can do. We have made our bed and now we have to lay in it.