I don't know what kind of parents you had, but all I know is that I have some of the most amazing parents on this earth. They have overcome so many obstacles in their lives, and for them to be where they are now is amazing. They've worked so hard so that I don't have to fight through the same challenges they did. I often feel as though maybe they think because it's easier for me, I will be better, but honestly, sometimes I find myself feeling suffocated by this pressure.
I for sure am having a completely different college experience than they are. My dad didn't have enough money to finish college after he decided that Music Composition was probably not the wisest career move, and went straight into the workforce. My mother got her teaching degree as a single mother when I was the age of two. She somehow managed to graduate with a 4.0. So here I am, working really hard to pursue a Marketing degree, with what seems like a dinky 3.6 GPA. I'm also extremely involved on campus, being a part of many clubs, jobs, internships, and I'm the treasurer of my sorority. I feel as though my accomplishments pale in comparison to the amazing college academics my mom seems to have on top of the busy lifestyle she had while raising me.
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When I try to express how unworthy and dumb I feel about being less than perfect, I don't know if my parents quite understand. My dad just seems to be happy that I'm working through college, while I can't help feeling like my mom expects so much more of me, and I'm not quite meeting her standards. Each transition of life, from elementary to middle school, from middle school to high school, and from high school to college, I feel as though I become less and less confident in my abilities. As a result, I can't help feeling like I disappoint my parents a little bit more each time I go through these transitions.
I understand that most of this is my own fault and my own anxieties getting in my way, but I really can't help it. One of my biggest fears is disappointing my family, and the oldest/only child in me can't seem to let that go. It doesn't really help that I still live at home, and I really don't have much escape. I'm not home often, because I'm working at things at school, or at a networking event, or even just trying to have fun with my friends. I feel guilty for not being with my family, but I also feel like this is my time to be independent and make my own mistakes. It's really hard for me to let go of the fact that I'm not going to please everyone.
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I don't know how other people feel about this transition, or if they are struggling like I am, but I do no know that change brings more change and not everything goes the way we want them to. I hope one day both my parents and I come to that understanding. I have to realize that my situation is much different from theirs, and it's impossible to live up to an expectation from a different experience or journey. A marketing degree is not a teaching degree, a job in college is different than a job outside of college, and we all have different demons to battle along the way. I just hope I can make it out while still making my parents proud of me.