Who invented modern air travel? If you said, "It was an unholy alliance between a sentient pile of bureaucratic red tape and Satan," you would be factually incorrect, but you would not be wrong. I could probably write a book with two sequels on how much I hate airplanes and still have enough material to create an original Netflix series.

The first thing I hate about airplanes is airports, and all airports in the U.S. start with the Transportation Security Administration (TSA). For starters, I hate being told where to go and what to do; I consider it a violation. I once drank an entire bottle of Tobasco sauce because someone told me I shouldn't. Not that I couldn't, that I shouldn't. And there's nothing more similar to a gigantic pile of pointless instructions than TSA. If anyone reading this isn't located in the U.S., TSA is the agency responsible for the security of our air travel. For those of you in the U.S., you know TSA as the reason it takes two to three hours to get inside LAX and the reason you got a more thorough pat-down to go on your study abroad trip than I did going to a club trying to crack down on people smuggling ecstasy inside in their bras.

I know what you're thinking, "But Sarah, if TSA keeps planes safe, who cares if you have to go through excessive security?" That would be a great point if TSA actually stopped weapons from making it through security. Last year, TSA failed 67 out of 70 random fake weapons smuggling tests. That is a 95 percent failure rate, which means you have a better chance of intentionally shooting yourself point-blank in the head and surviving than TSA does of stopping the Magnum you used from making it into the airport. Oh, not to mention they're stealing your shit all the time, always. TSA sucks so hard (and knows they suck so hard) that you can pay $100 to avoid them, which is also exactly how the mafia's "insurance" policy operates, by the way.

This doesn't even include U.S. customs. I have been through customs in three countries on three different continents: South Korea, England and Australia. Every other country's customs consist of you writing on a little slip if you're bringing any kind of weird pornography or meat or something into the country while already on the plane, giving it to the guard at the gate and then breezing right in. In the U.S., however, you have to wait in a long line while you get treated like a criminal until proven innocent (having your fingerprints taken, having your photograph taken, answering excessive questions on your origin and reason for travel), all the while having orders barked at you. Here is an account of a totally normal citizen being detained and interrogated by U.S. Customs without any kind of explanation for the crime of writing down his mailing address and not his home address on his declaration form. And here is an actual GIF of U.S. Customs officers working with travelers.

So, you made it past TSA. Congratulations! Now, you have basically become an animal contained in a human zoo known as the airport. You are effectively trapped here for however many numbers of hours you need to wait until your flight. This predicament isn't bad at all, unless you are a person prone to experiencing sensations such as hunger or thirst. Food and water at airports are so heavily price-gouged it's borderline inhumane. A one-liter bottle of water will run you $4.99 at JFK. Why are prices so high? Because it's a monopoly. When you're trapped, nothing is stopping food retailers from banning together and setting a stupidly high rate for a bottle of water. A bottle of water you can't bring in yourself thanks to TSA's rule that liquid containers must contain 3.4 ounces or fewer. Here is a GIF of airport retailers' feelings on travelers outrage at price gouging.

Then, you're on the actual plane. Like people who refuse to vaccinate their kids, I'm afraid of things I don't understand, and one of the biggest things I don't understand is airplanes. How do they get up into the air? How are they able to go so fast? How are they physically able to hold enough fuel to fly for more than 1,600 miles without stopping? I'm in remedial physics for a reason, so all of these questions are reasons for me to want to stay on good, old planet Earth where nothing bad ever happens. I am very afraid of planes.

Scabies are an infectious parasite contracted from skin-to-skin contact that burrow into your skin and create tunnels leading to your blood vessels where they lay their eggs. If given the option to have a permanent case of scabies or be stuck in a perpetual loop of air travel, I would seriously take the scabies. Scabies might suck your blood and drain you from the inside out, but at least they're upfront about it.