Can you believe what society has come to? In my 30 short years on this awful planet, living in horrible conditions in my multi-million dollar home, I, a white male, have become so marginalized. Look at the board of directors of this billion-dollar establishment. Do they have any idea what kind of hardships I had to endure to get to where I am? I had to endure four grueling years of college and another four grueling years in business school. I had to make a seven-figure wage for two whole years! I can't live like this.
This is unacceptable. Just last week, I had to go to Chipotle. Chipotle! That place is for poor people. And Mexicans! And the worst part is, the burrito was so big, I couldn't even fit it in my mouth. What other hardships must I endure before I can break through this damned glass ceiling?
Ever since I was a young boy, my father told me how hard I would have to work to surpass all the other rich white males around me. He told me I could do it, that I was better and smarter than everybody else. But nothing prepares you for the grueling reality of eight-hour workdays and being able to feed yourself.
And don't get me started on how much society hates white males. Look at feminism. They constantly remind me that I'm more privileged. How is only being CTO privileged? Do they not know what a glass ceiling is? Do they not know how hard it is for me, as a white male, to become CEO? And what about black lives matter? Does my life not matter? As a white male, when I see a police officer, I could be given a ticket. And then I'd have to take a hundred dollars out of my bank account to pay it off. Disgusting. My life is worth more than this.
But I guess in the end life is unfair. I can't have everything. And no matter what, I can remember the fact that, as a white man, I will constantly be discriminated against. CEO will always be a far-off dream, maybe one or two years away, that will take forever for me to reach. It's just so sad how an honest, hardworking white male like me doesn't even have enough privilege to get a raise more than once a month. But when your hopes and dreams are crushed by the inability to buy a new Ferrari every week, there's not much you can do.
Jack White
CFO and Resident White Man of The Tomato News Network
