We’ve all been there. Family reunions, bars, weddings, anywhere with new/easily forgotten people. Everything is going fine until they ask what you’re studying. “Creative Writing.” Pause. “Oh. How-how… interesting.” Translation: “Oh, you’re burying yourself in thousands of dollars of student debt for a dead-end major. My condolences.” You feel their red-hot poker of judgment and start to back away, and then, “So, what do you plan to do with a creative writing degree?” You’re stuck, partly because you don’t really know what you plan to do and partly because you don’t want to give them the benefit of a straight answer. Here are 10 perfectly acceptable answers to use.
1. Marry rich.
Sass Level (1-10): 8
Use it on: anyone.
This is a fun-for-all-ages fail-safe. I use it all the time. It’s a quick zinger, almost everyone will laugh, and it’ll distract them long enough for you to ask some subject-changing question that will veer them away from a “No, but really, what are your plans?”
2. I’m going to lead an absolutely fascinating life, so I’ll have some really great content when I write my memoirs.
Sass Level: 7.2
Use it on: the hot guy/girl at a party.
It’s a win-win. They’ll be all, “Wow, this person’s refreshingly clever and will probably end up leading a fascinating life. Who cares if they don’t possess the qualities that make up what society so limitedly and oppressively defines as conventionally attractive?” (That is the typical internal monologue of a hot person, right?)
3. I’m really dedicated to my Frozen fan-fiction right now.
Sass Level: 8 ½
Use it on: the annoying person your friend has invited to hang out with the group this weekend.
The rest of your group will know you’re joking, but hopefully it’s enough to discourage the annoying guy from coming back (tip: if he is somehow unfazed, just launch into a detailed description of your work’s lesbian overtones).
4. You know those groups that send you emails trying to scam you out of your money? I just got an internship in their new Proofreading Department!
Sass Level: ≈ 9
Use it on: great aunts and uncles & distant, older cousins.
Bonus points if you point to your watch or other semi-expensive accessory, smile and say, “Got this after my first scam. Thanks for your donation, by the way.”
5. I write realistic short stories. I believe in really getting into my characters’ heads, you know? Really living out their lives, that sort of thing. The one I’m working on now is actually about a pretty serial killer who picks out her victims in bars.
(For the men, read “devishly handsome serial killers” & “his victims”)
Sass Level: 10
Use it on: the pretentious law student you’re talking to at a bar.
The conversation should just die pretty quickly after that.
6. I’m starting up a blog to inform my fellow writers of the prettiest and most practical ways to decorate their cardboard boxes—I’m sorry, I mean “future homes.” How to really maximize that space, you know?
Sass Level: 7-9
Use it on: either the well-meaning family friend or your rich, arrogant neighbor.
Depending on your tone, this could be either witty and self deprecating or sarcastic and pointed. Play with it.
7. I want to write greeting cards. But not those stupid cat ones—anything Shoebox—and not big money companies like Hallmark that are creatively stifling and are just after a cheap tear. I want mine to really mean something.
Sass Level: Nine
Use it on: anyone at a gathering for which cards are required.
Then ask them what card they got so-and-so.
8. Actually, I really want to get into waiting/waitressing, so it was either this or a theatre major.
Sass Level: 12
Use it on: Theatre majors.
Only the Theatre majors who think they’re better than you though. You want to have some friends after this.
9. Well, I can’t do anything until something tragic happens to me, so I can be a tortured soul.
Sass Level: a sassy 7
Use it on: any “Get to Know You” questionnaire or icebreaker.
“Like, Hemingway had the war. Plath had her oven. Some people just hog all the tragedy, lucky bastards.”
10. I’m trying to get into publishing.
Sass Level: -5
Use it on: the really old/respected/paying your tuition.
For when you know they won’t be swayed from the topic and you really just want to get home to your Pizza Bagels.
