The YouTube famous couple’s most recent video has caused massive attention. In a nutshell, Sam tells Nia she is pregnant, as he tested her without her knowledge. Emotions ensue: tears of joy, hugs, kisses, all that good gooey stuff which makes for a successful viral video. My immediate response was not gooey, it was cringing at the “without her knowledge” part. Scrolling through various reports of the video, all I could find were captions saying, in so many words, “Aw, so cute!”
I am thrilled that Nia is excited for her pregnancy. As a recently trained doula, I hope that every pregnant person -- who wishes to be pregnant -- has the best possible nine-month experience for them, on their own terms. But the circumstances in which Nia learned of her pregnancy belies the most important part of the birthing process, in my opinion: on their own terms.
I learned how to not pass my own personal judgments onto clients, and to support them before, during and after birth in any way they find necessary. Nia didn’t have the chance to voice concern about her pregnancy, or make an autonomous decision about it, because the decision was made for her. Call me a killjoy, but Sam’s well-intentioned surprise, even though Nia responded favorably, was still nonconsensual. She did not consent to her urine being tested; she did not consent to being recorded. Of course, the video made its way online, which shows that Nia eventually felt the world should see her reaction. Yet I still feel queasy at the fact that most online media are praising the video rather than questioning how it was produced. It sends the message that other husbands should follow Sam’s suit, regardless of their own personal contexts within their own relationship. I think people aren’t coming at Sam and Nia’s video from my angle because they fit the American dream almost perfectly -- two high school heterosexual sweethearts, starting a family.
Looking at the broader context of Sam and Nia’s announcement is key. A man is withholding information from his wife about her own body, which he obtained without her knowing. In this situation it’s romantic, in another it could be life threatening. What about, for instance, an abusive partner who is altering their partner’s access to birth control? Reproductive coercion is a form of intimate partner violence and interferes with the right to bodily autonomy. In this situation, my advocacy for reproductive justice trumps my commitment to non-partiality as a doula. I feel strongly that it’s within a pregnant person’s best interest to be allowed time for self-reflection, before being inundated with statements such as, “There’s a baby in there.” It doesn’t matter if Nia had been trying to become pregnant for years -- an awareness about her body was shared without her.
The caption to the video says, “For the first time ever daddy announces the pregnancy to mommy!” Unfortunately, I don’t believe this to be true. I think that other instances in which a man tells his partner she is pregnant, the story wasn’t as happy as this one.
