It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. I know you want to convince yourself this, but somehow you feel like there was a way you could have prevented it. Rape is a serious issue, and it happens to males and females all over the world, daily. This person you possibly knew or was a stranger was able to take a huge part of you, and you're left with broken pieces of nothing.
You're scarred for the rest of your life, and the person that did the scarring gets to walk away as if this was okay. Some how what happened is not a real issue; so much of a "not issue" that people feel the right to comment and make jokes because it happens every day. It's hard to prove what happened in those cases, but sorry I forgot to pull out my phone and record. I shouldn't have to tell you what happened or explain my story to get any type of sympathy. And please do not try to relate, because I can promise you that what happened to me did not happen to you.
Why me? Again, it comes to me blaming myself and thinking there was something I did to make this happen. Why didn't I get a chance to scream? That's all I wanted to do was scream. I wanted to scream after because there is nothing more that could have been done. There is nothing more that is going to make me feel better or different. The only thing therapy can do for me is make me talk and relive in a moment I didn't want to happen in the first place.
We're told to not dress a certain way, and to carry things like pepper spray on our keychains to protect ourselves from something that is seen as worthless. Having to do these things makes me feel worthless, the fact that someone can hurt me and take things from me I didn't know were up for grabs.
You think you shouldn't have to say anything to your son because he would never do anything like that? Think again, when boys are told no, they turn into completely different people. Boys. These aren't men. Sure, you may have made a mistake one time, and "everyone makes mistakes." Even when you get the chance to say no, it's like it didn't even happen or they see it as a chance to convince you. Whether or not you've been convinced by the end of it all. He already made his mind up, you're just along for the ride. But did you ever think how I would feel? Your mistake made me never want to be with anyone sexually again. It made me feel as if saying "no" was me being selfish, and I should want to do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want you to have that part of me any longer.
I didn't want it, I don't want it, and I never will want it. I want me back.
