Depression is a brain disorder caused by persistently depressed moods or loss of interest in activities causing significant impairment in daily life. It is also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression. I myself have depression, and I'd like to share how I feel on a daily basis.
I feel lost. I feel like every problem, big or small, is swallowing me whole. Small tasks become large chores and it becomes easier to just ignore everything. By doing that I’m allowing everything to pile up and then the stress begins to set in. Every day feels like a lifetime. Waking up and getting out of bed is a battle as motivation vanishes. It’s like there’s a constant black cloud above my head.
People always ask me why I don’t smile. Honestly, I’ve lost the motivation to smile. Sometimes my life seems so bleak, for no reason, and I don’t see the point in a facade. People also ask me why I can’t just “be happy” and the thing is, I don’t know. I don’t know why I feel this way or why I can’t just be happy. Maybe it’s because of my introverted personality that forces me to remember every mistake I’ve ever made and every negative thing in my life. Maybe, because I’ve remembered every negative encounter, I’ve suppressed all the good ones far beyond recognition. Or maybe it’s all the negativity spread by poisonous people in my life. No matter the cause, it’s tearing me apart.
I spend my days lying in bed or sitting in the shower. I spend more time by myself than with my family. I push every feeling to the side and ignore every problem until I can’t take it anymore and I lash out at people. I’m constantly pushing people away for reasons I can’t understand which makes relationships with friends and family nearly impossible. I don’t find joy in going to school or hanging out with friends anymore because it always feels like an uphill battle. I am always in fear of pushing everyone away to the point where I’m completely and utterly alone — never knowing what to do and not having anyone there to help.
People always say, the first step is admitting you have a problem, but admitting I have depression makes it real. All my life I’ve been told I’m strong and fearless. So, how can I admit a problem that scares me and makes me feel weak? How am I supposed to explain to people that I have to take medication to feel happy? These days people tell me that I should feel confident with who I am, but how can I feel confident in a world that sees mental illness as a weakness or an excuse? With low confidence comes low self-esteem, and with low self-esteem comes the feeling of inadequacy. So tell me, how am I supposed to admit a problem that makes me feel inadequate? How do I admit my problem in a world that labels depression as a satire?
