Incoming Rutgers Freshmen Deemed Rutgers Football Experts
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Incoming Rutgers Freshmen Deemed Rutgers Football Experts

They also want all your alcohol and rights to the jacuzzi.

Incoming Rutgers Freshmen Deemed Rutgers Football Experts
Wikimedia Commons

NEW BRUNSWICK - Another year at Rutgers, another freshman class, but impending depression and alcohol dependency aren't the only things they're bringing! It was announced by an unknown source that the Rutgers-New Brunswick Class of 2021 is a privileged class of Rutgers football experts. This means that their opinions when it comes to Rutgers football should not only be valued but expected as well. "Rutgers football sucks!" freshman Jenny Gonzalez says.

"You know, it's amazing how much these kids know about Rutgers football," senior Mitch Burris muses, "especially considering they've never seen a game of football before." And Mitch is right about both those things. This freshman class may have never seen a football game before. They may not be able to name a single person on the defense. They may not even have the motor functioning to get to the shuttle bus to college ave because they got so drunk off of the upper classmen's alcohol, "but when you hear that freshman yell, 'Rutgers football sucks!'" Mitch says, "you really gotta take a step back and go 'wow. I never thought about it that way.'"

But these freshmen know their worth. They're business savvy, and they're not going to let that skill go to waste. "We have a list of demands," freshman and future Frat president Danny Nichols says. "First, we get to drink your alcohol at the tailgate, but if Piscataway Police Department walks by, you have to distract them. Do a little dance or something." Piscataway Police are notorious for cracking down on underage drinking at tailgates, sometimes giving tickets upwards of $1000. "Also, we get at least a quarter in the new jacuzzi along with fat sandwiches brought to us. And I'm talking grease truck fat sandwiches, not that store at the Yard *expletive*." Of course, Nichols is talking about the new jacuzzi that will be installed on top of the student section for the home opener as well as the RU Hungry store in the yard that is idiosyncratically very cold. "If you meet these demands, we may give you our insights on how the team will do this year."

Rutgers kicks off its season on Friday, September 1st as it takes on Washington at home, and, given that Washington is the seventh-ranked team in the country, it will surely be a tough game. "Oh, I don't *expletive* know who Rutgers is playing in their first game," freshman Kim McKay says. "Didn't they lose 100-1 to Michigan State last year or something?"

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