From The Runaway Bride
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From The Runaway Bride

To The Man I Don't Deserve

21
From The Runaway Bride
Foter

Jesus,

I know I have a habit of running away from you. I become complacent and start to walk away from your enduring love. The love you suffered for.

I try and blame it on you sometimes. I make excuses and complain. I complain when I don't feel or hear you like I once did, but don't bother spending time with you. Self-pity takes over when I find myself struggling again with the same sins of my past, but I don't pray.

When things are going well, I get lazy. I feel pride and lose my sense of urgency. I give glory to myself and stop loving you the way I should. I stop pursing you. I slowly make you second, maybe even third or fourth; then I'm hurt and confused when I feel distance between us.

I get upset when we drift, even though I'm the one steering.

I convince myself that I need to earn your love, and when I mess up you're looking down on me with your arms crossed.

I know it's me. I'm sorry.

I know this earth will forever try and build walls between us. I know I have a choice if I want to keep breaking them down. I know you're always on the other side cheering me on, waiting with open arms.

Jesus, I can be a selfish bride.

I admit that I sometimes question the smiling faces in the congregation. My mind leads me to pay more attention to the person singing off key next to me. I suddenly feel immense awkwardness. I worry about being judged while I, myself, am judging those around me.

I can be so bad at loving you. You deserve so much more.

I know I'm impatient. I know that when I get tired of waiting for your answers I search for my own. I know this leads to hopelessness. I know you're the only answer.

You've always been the answer. Even while I'm running, I know you're not going anywhere; even when I question where you are.

I get cynical. I cast off your truths as simple cliches. I am doubtful and a hypocrite. I will preach your word to myself and others, then fail to live it out the next day.

But you still love me.

After all my wrestling, fighting, running, you always find me. You meet me where I am. You show up when my worldly pursuits fail. You see and know the ugly parts of my soul and mind, and shower grace upon me. You never condemn. You forgive. Even when I don't feel forgiven, I am. Even when I don't feel loved, I am.

You chase after me, pull me back, and I am overcome in awe. I feel freedom and rest from my endless marathon. I feel your comfort. I feel your victory.

I know I'll run again. You know this too. It will be a constant fight to keep your presence near. I'll continue to be the runaway bride.

I know that I'll continue to fail, but when I uplift these failures to you, I am saved. Our relationship becomes stronger and I don't ever want to leave the consuming fire that your love ignites.

I'll never run too far Jesus. I'll keep fighting because I know there is no other way. I know there will be a day when I no longer run at all, except into your heavenly gates.

Thank you Jesus.

With love,

Your runaway bride.

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