If you aren’t familiar with the corporate American jargon, Q1 runs from January 1 to April 1. Or something. It’s basically like, winter semester for college. Except 3 weeks shorter. Anyway, after a semi-heartbreaking breakup, I went on a serious serial dating binge. Not only did I get a lot fatter from all those skipped gym sessions swapped for awkward drinks, I also got bitter. I’m talking wretched, witch bitter.

It’s time to suck out the poison. & what’s the best way to do that? An internet roast.

Here’s to you, Internet Schmucks.

Beans from Even Stevens

You were the first date post-break up. Judging by the list of beauts following you, you should’ve been the last.

The Dude With All The Matches

God, you were beautiful. & GOD - you had the social skills of a 12 year old.

The Jersey Ginger

It’s amazing how someone who went to a Christian college can be such an awful human being.

The One Who Wore The Denim Vest

I appreciate you not judging me when I consumed enough fried food to kill a lesser man. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t doing the same of you, though.

The Brit

You were the sweetest - until you told me you’d be leaving on tour for SIXTY days starting at midnight. That is some sick, Cinderella shit, OK?

The Lawnmower Man

Our first date was fantastic. Our second date made me feel like I was in a college philosophy class. One that I probably got a D in.

The One With The Food Truck

I told you I was a baldist. Because of you, I still am.

The Third Date

Appreciate all that work you did in Internet stalking me, sliding into my DMs, and then proclaiming, “I don’t know how I feel about this”. I respect that you didn’t ghost me, but furreal?

The Metal Guy Who Drove That Audi

Here, I should really roast myself for thinking going out with you was a good idea.

The 40 Year Old

I didn’t hate you.

The Dwarf

My hands are bigger than yours. I’m 5’2”.

The Accent I Couldn’t Understand

Didn’t matter. After you told me you leave the strip club at 4am & sleep in your office at a car dealership, I didn’t want to understand anything else that came out of your mouth.

The Closet Homosexual

It was so fun going out with you while you were doing a water cleanse. It was more fun with you ending the night saying, "this water runs right through me".

The Musician - pt 45

Thank you for sending your roommate as the messenger to alert me that you are not interested in dating me.

To the countless others I’ve texted & forgot your names - you’re lucky you came out unscathed.

Now team - what did we learn from this? Sometimes, meeting people on the internet can be a great distraction from how terrible life really is. Other times, it’s an excellent way to feel completely horrible about yourself.

I’ll spare you the “you’re better than that” pep talk. But here me out - don’t let it get you down. Who cares if you were seemingly rejected by a man who doesn’t have dental insurance? Because let’s face it - did you really want to go on a second date with that goon anyway? No. So, snap out of it. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, & pray that the men of your city do not read an internet roast you just wrote about them. Now - lock yourself in your local steam room at the gym & observe a moment of silence since it’s better in there. Look out for your number one, toots.