Recently, I saw this tweet on twitter that talked about never really being able to fully recover from an eating disorder despite how good things may be in the moment.
There's still always that part that unconsciously counts every calorie, that feels guilty for enjoying eating food regardless of how good you've built up your relationship with your body.
Recovering from an eating disorder didn't automatically mean the mental effects also disappeared.
The mental scars have always been the most difficult part of dealing with the aftermath because there is still, despite how irrational it may seem, a sense of not being able to be comfortable in my own skin.
Growing up, I've always struggled with my own body image and the idea of loving myself without any qualms. I developed an eating disorder in eighth grade and to this day, it is still something I'm trying to recover from mentally.
The thing with the mental scars is learning and trying to find a balance, especially in terms of dieting and trying to healthily lose weight. It's like as soon as I try to do a diet, a part of me becomes aware of how similar it was to the way I handled my food when I had my eating disorder.
It was because I'm almost scared to get bad again, to let myself get lost in the numbers.
The more restrictive the diet was, the easier it was to spiral down. I'd always end up eating less than I should or not eating at all.
And the disconnect between mind and body is the most frustrating thing. While my body had become healthier and gained healthy weight, the addition of every inch kind of triggered a sense of toxic thinking.
The obsession with numbers and inches and calories always seemed to find a way to resurface and then, in turn, it becomes a cycle.
A kind of scary, Alice-down-the-rabbit-hole kind of dark cycle.
As of now, making peace with my body is something that is still very much a work in progress. I don't really know how long it will take or have any answers to how to cure it all but it's something I'm working towards and that's something to be proud of.
It takes time but that's okay.
All good things do.
