R.I.P To The Girl I Used To Be

you and weed

two things I no longer need
I inhale a college hit
spark one up for the party girl
who only felt loved when

she was lit

vapors send a new wave to my brain
I'm creative regardless of this hazy shit
and he never was and never will be It

never thought these habits were
ones I had to quit
but to succeed and lead
without being indecisive I outgrow my vices
cravings of you and a love of tree
things I thought made me, me
sweet relief of habitual release

I stand on my own, sober and grown
a new life without a time thief
a winter tree, grounded despite the lack of leaf

-pozzi

There, there. It’s okay. First off, I’m proud of myself. I never thought I would get to this point in life, but I have to admit I have no complaints. It’s hard becoming who you are meant to be. It means leaving things behind that no longer serve you. And I have been craving to drop dead weight for years, so this habit came to be included in the shedding of my skin. I have been doing so much work on myself, inside and out, just never thought it would lead to having endless amounts of edibles in my sock drawer since December, but it’s just not me at the moment plain and simple.

Lighting up on a nightly basis, mostly alone to clear my mind, made me feel different and creative. The reality is, listening to music is nice, but I didn’t do much more than Netflix and chill with it. It was necessary at the time, but I’m more in touch with my sense of self and creativity then I ever was when I was clenched to cannabis on a nightly basis.

I used to think it was clearing my mind, but it made me more cluttered than ever. Fogging the facts of graduating and adulting a little easier to swallow, but I now enjoy my reality clear as day. Two years later still doing the damn thing, whatever adulting actually is. A lot better than I think at times, might I add. Does the weekly absence of feeling like an airplane have anything to do with it? Perhaps so, maybe not.

I even picked up more hobbies, things I fantasized doing while faded. Going to the gym, meditating, writing, painting, yoga, the possibilities are endless and so is my zest for life. I no longer feel so quick to make judgments on myself because I don’t feel a need to do the deed. I am more productive now, and that’s what matters. Hobbies make me feel fulfilled and full even if the most hits I take are from kickboxing.

Many factors made me realize that I like my alone time, but I’m not necessarily a loner. Letting go of late night leaf helped me come to that conclusion. It was one of my favorite things to do when I thought no one else was true. Now I have places to go and people to see.

And sometimes it’s still there, but regardless if I inhale into an abyss of cannabis, I remember huffing and puffing never made me different, edgy or creative. That was, is and always will be the real me.