I have seen a lot of poorly made sequels in my time, but never have I felt more anguish and soul-squashing disappointment after watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984).

The sequel (which does not deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as its predecessor) to the epic Raiders of the Lost Ark follows Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) on yet another adventure. After a shady trade agreement (of which there is no explanation for its causes or necessity to the actual Temple of Doom) collapses between Indy and the Chinese mafia, he is forced to flee. Somehow a ditsy dancer, Willie Scott (Kate Capshaw), and a young Vietnamese boy, Short Round (Jonathan Ke Quan: “The Goonies”), become ensnared in Indy’s escape plans. Their escape plane crashes, landing them in a tiny Nepalese village, which implores Indiana Jones to intercede on their behalf and recover a stolen magical stone. Their travels take them to an ancient site that houses a demonic cult, led by Mola Ram (Amrish Puri), involving Indiana and the gang in monkey brains, an abyss into hell, and mine carts (slightly related to Mario Kart).

*sigh*

Even writing that summary was tough. It sounds exactly like the story you’d read about in an old-fashioned dime novel—the kind with the woman in tattered clothing swooning while the intrepid explorer defends her from a jungle tiger (or something like this ). The film simply lacks magnitude. With Raiders of the Lost Ark Indiana Jones tries to prevent Nazis from taking over the world. In Temple of Doom, Indiana Jones takes down a cult in the most remote location in the world.

The acting in this film made me feel like I was the one getting my heart ripped out. Granted, I’ve never been a big fan of Harrison Ford’s acting, but at least in the original he seemed to enjoy the role he was given. In the sequel, I felt like he showed up to the set every day and asked Spielberg how much money his next paycheck would be. Whether it be his half-hearted attempts to seduce Willie Scott or his terrible, overlydramatic one-liners (*Indiana Jones face is seen through a peephole: “We. Are. Going. To. Die!”). That being said, his acting wasn’t the only one that was cringe-worthy. I don’t know if Kate Capshaw had no idea what to do with the awful script or if she was told to scream at literally everything, but every single time she opened her mouth I wanted to put earplugs in to escape her incessant whining and idiotic commentary.

And as for Short Round, well… It doesn’t get much better.

I know that this film will continue to be watched for years and years to come. If you’re going to watch Indiana Jones, you have to watch all of them, right? Just be ready to feel like you’re wasting your life.

Rating: D- | ½ star