AVERAGE, G. Point, "GPA." Born Spring of 2015, died October 27, 2016. Born to the late Charlotte S. Walton in Dahlonega, Georgia. Grade Point, colloquially also called "GPA," began his deceptively positive life in the beautiful, rolling mountains of Dahlonega. He made the President's List and President's Honor role repeatedly throughout his very short lifespan. His peers looked up to him. His friends adored him. He was beloved to all far and wide. There was no warning for what was to come on one very dull and dreary October evening.
On October 27, 2016, Grade P. Average was murdered while silently minding his own business during a Macroeconomics exam. He was navigating the multiple choice like a seasoned sailor, and dodging every tricky "All of the Above," questions that propositioned him. Out of nowhere, a never before seen matching section assaulted Mr. Grade. It was reported that Mr. Grade sustained life threatening injuries, before managing to escape and continue the exam. Light of hope was beginning to peak through the heavens, until he was caught off guard once again. From the depths came a multiple pronged word problem, which no doubt delivered the final death dealing blows to GPA. Local PD have declined to make a statement on if the perpetrators have been brought to justice.
GPA is survived by his mother Charlotte S. Walton, who says that without him "life is hardly worth" continuing, but that she shall "press forward" nevertheless. We thank Ms. Walton for such brave words during the most dire of circumstances, and it is no doubt that everyone affected by the brutal murder of the young Mr. Grade will remember his impact on their lives.
Mr. Grade gave hope to the weary. He never hesitated to give his all. He was truly inspirational. He reminded everyone to continue with their studies, and encouraged even the most tired to wake up early to make it to their 9:00 am classes. Mr. Average motivated and encouraged, apparently even when he was not himself up to every challenge. He will especially be missed by his mother, who now wakes up every morning feeling the loss of her beloved son. She had hopes of sending him to graduate school, and now she will not even see him graduate.
In the words of his mother, "So many regrets."
Do not have any regrets this semester. Do not make the same mistakes that Ms. Walton made. Prepare your GPA for the worst. Study when you can and arm your own GPA with the best tools to protect them from potential murderous exams. And give your GPA a hug when you can. You never know when it will be gone.
