It's a common tale. Some creepy guy jeers at you from across the street, calls you sexy, asks you to show him your ass, he asks you to come on over. I just want to talk to you, baby, they say. This happens to me almost every time I go grocery shopping or to the mall or walk my dog by myself. It happens to many women, practically all (hence the #YESALLWOMEN that has blown up) and it's really annoying.

The biggest problem is when the men won't back off, even after you've told them no or to f*** off a number of times. In light of my recent interaction with a creep (read all about it https://www.theodysseyonline.com/to-the-man-may-have-threatened-at-the-light-rail-station), I thought it would good (and funny) to just list all of the crazy things I've done to make a creep get away from me.

1. Threaten him

Recalling last weeks article (mentioned above), I have had to threaten a man and I've done this on more than one occasion. Sometimes I get gory and sadistic, saying I wake up in a pool of blood every month, don't f*** with me, or I keep it simple and just tell him how I would snap his neck if he came too close. This is usually reserved for when a guy has gone too far.

2. Ignore

This goes further than not answering them when they call outside of their car. No, this is when a guy comes and walks up to me and says something disgusting and I straight up act like he is not there. Like he's a ghost. This usually happens when I'm shopping. He'll come up when I'm looking through the clearance rack, try and tell me how sexy I am. I won't even look at him. He will be standing right in front of me and I won't look at him. Sometimes, if I accidentally do make eye contact, I'll pretend I saw something really cute right behind him, as if I looked right through him. It's actually quite fun, try it.

3. Pretend I didn't speak english

This one is so crazy. It doesn't always work for me, but it mostly does. This one is kind of self explanatory. He might tell me how much he'd like to make me feel good and I'd say ooh, je n'ai pas faim (I'm not hungry) or maybe l'ordinateur dans le salle de bains? Je ne sais pas (the computer in the bathroom? I don't know). I basically try to let the creep know that I don't speak english, but I do speak a very limited amount of french.

4. Screech

This is probably my favorite one to do. I try to do this whenever I'm outside so as not to get kicked out of a place. But, literally, in response to their catcalls, I screech like a pterodactyl. I always look them straight in the eye, so they know it's for them and no one else and screech. They usually look at me like I'm the human form of Satan (which is just a plus).

5. Pretend I'm pregnant/have a baby

I hardly ever use this one. I have to be wearing the right outfit and/or be near a baby department. I'll have a stretchy or billowy shirt on. I'll push my belly out a little, so I look like I'm only a few months into my pregnancy when I see a creep approaching. I'll smile when he says hello. I'll say hello back and rub my belly in that lovingly manner you see pregnant women do in the movies. I'll gaze at it for a little and get back to my shopping as he slowly slinks away. In the other situation, the guy will come up to me and throw out his most flirty hello and I'd respond saying how I was just wondering if my son would like (insert random object here) and smile. Responsibility usually makes creeps go running.

I wish I didn't have to say anything other than no to a man for them to listen. But, if they keep pushing, I might as well enjoy it a little, right? Though I might just end up in a ward if they push me too far, tbh.