Phat vs. Fat. That girl is bad vs. That girl is bad. The best expressions and the worst may have more in common than you might think. Through the wonders of alliteration, homophones, and sick nasty rhymes, the epic battle of the best and the worst ensues every single day.

Best : The Smell of Gas

Mother has warned us since we were old enough to waddle: don’t huff sharpie fumes, don’t lick glue sticks, don’t give yourself a ‘Whipit’, and most importantly never smell gasoline. But… let’s be real, we all catch a whiff during a wild road-trip stop at Sunoco… And it’s a gooooood whiff. Gasoline smells so good in some odd way, and we all know it. I mean, I wouldn’t bathe in it, but that one forbidden sniff, while guzzling a jumbo blue raspberry, makes all the difference.

Worst: The Smell of GAS

Only one of these smells can kill you, and it is not the bad one. A post-Chipotle-black bean-burrito-toot is one of the most vile scents to ever grace my nose. You do not know true pain until your delightful summer ride is stricken with traffic. Then, all goes silent. You hear a slight vibration. Then your dad utters the two most toxic word… “Excuse. Me.” You hesitate. You shudder. Then you smell it. A father fart. You choke. All the windows are up. Your nose implodes on itself. THIS is true pain.

Best: Condiments

BBQ sauce, ketchup, hot sauce, mayo, mustard, soy sauce. These are smart. These are kind. These are important. Condiments are the security blankets of the food world. They can bump your burger from a 4 to 7 reeeal fast. All of them are beautiful and unique in their own special ways, except relish, because no.

Worst: Communism

I don’t know exactly what communism is, but one year of AP U.S. History taught me it isn’t very good. I think.

Best: Hot Coffee

If you ever want to look like the hippest hipster in the world here are the key ingredients: one black tattered beanie, one red and black checkered flannel, glasses (possibly fake), one macbook: open and typing, and one big ol’ cup of hot coffee. Drink it and you are instantly transformed into the most artistic person in the room, like wow look at that guy, he has a a cup of bean water. Delicious, steaming, bean water.

Worst: Hot Dog Water

First off, if you boil hot dogs, you are a monster. But the aftermath of the phallic pink meat stick (made of cow? pig? horse? rat?) being cooked in the hot water is worse than any affliction. The smell is like a sweaty man hugging your nostrils. It is enough to make any avid carnivore pause, and consider converting to full veganism to escape the watery torture. I mean they don’t, but they will prolly consider it.

Best: Apples with PB

Snack-time in kindergarten was one of the most stressful time periods in every 5 year-old’s school day. Were you going to bring the Scooby-Doo fruit snacks or the spreadable cheese and crackers!? What would your tiny peers think? There was only one solution to this problem: apples with peanut butter. An inspiring little treat you can eat no matter what age. In fact as I typed that I smeared some apple juices and peanut remnants onto the ‘K’ key. And, yes, I did lick it off.

Worst: Applebee’s

If your family goes to an Applebee’s for dinner more than once a year/ever you are officially at rock bottom. Especially, in the age of Olive Gardens and Paneras to choose from. I mean go to Subway at least. It isn’t this one chain restaurant that is alone in it’s mediocrity; we’ve got Eat 'n’ Park, T.G.I. Friday’s, and Denny’s (before midnight of course). Ain’t nobody normal going to these places for a good meal. They’re scraping the bottom of the chain eatery barrel.

Best: Pika(chu)

POKÉMON IS THE BEST GAME EVER INVENTED. And, Pokémon GO is creATING LASTING BONDS AND EXERCISE REGIMENTS. It is a BEAUTIFUL game crafted by GENIUSES full of virtual monsters of GRACE AND BEAUTY. If you don’t play it you are INCORRECT. GO CATCH ‘EM ALL, PLEASE.

Worst: Zika

Blood-sucking mosquitos transmitting a life-threatening disease between the sick and impoverished is a lot worse than a game about a tiny electric mouse running around and battling other fake creatures.

Best: Bey

The day Beyoncé decided to depart from her girl group, Destiny’s Child, was the beginning of the end of every other pop musician’s career. And that fateful day in 2003, when the musically unmatched, “Crazy in Love” was released, it, as the kids say, snatched everyone’s weaves. Her fame has never faltered. (Okay, maybe her role as Foxxy Cleopatra was a misstep) She is one of the most respected artists in the industry, but most importantly the queen never stops releasing BOPS.

Worst: Bees

I am not talking about an innocent honeybee, because those are precious babies who need protected #SavetheBees. I am talking about the demons of the sky known as hornets and wasps. They probably will not sting me, but it is the thought that they have the ability to possibly, maybe, sometime sting me that is the worst in the world. I will still swat at you even though I know it will just make you even more angry. They are like minuscule Lord Voldemorts, with built-in javelins, equipped with jetpacks, and they are ready to end you at any given time.

Best: Puns

What do you call a nosey pepper? Jal ap eño business!!! I once told this somewhat-mediocre joke in science class, and it resulted in a violent squeal and a fall onto the floor of laughter from one of my buds. This is the power of puns. Some are good and the mass majority are very bad, and the worse the puns are the better they get. And, I am really happy I know sign language. It always comes in handy.

Worst: the Runs

Let’s just say, when a toilet bowl becomes your best friend, it is never a pleasant experience.

Best: Collage of Kittens

Worst: College Tuition

Nope.