Listen: if you're reading this and are either going through or have been through a breakup, I know how you feel. Sometimes it feels like the clawing pain in your chest will never go away, but I promise it does. And there may even be a silver lining, as I found out when it happened to me.

Basically, we were those childhood friends who EVERYONE knew would just end up together. But as the quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald goes, "You were red, and you liked me because I was blue. But you touched me, and suddenly I was a lilac sky. Then you decided purple just wasn't for you."

But then things changed. One night they said that they weren't rhombus, but instead rhombi. "So what," I said, still emotional from the Clairo concert, "you're gay now?"

We cried and fought. Then, as I was busy catching up on some homework from PragerU, I was inspired by an video entitled "Good Is Evil and Evil Is Good: Rise Up, Incels". So, I called the rhombus's family and told them that it was engaging in a polygonal relationship. Then all I had to do was sit back and watch the chips fall.

When the phone call came through it had killed itself, I was nowhere to be found. Instead, I was wearing a big fun hat, going to the movies with my big hat on, and buying clothes that matched my big hat. I was being single and free. I had moved on and wasn't turning back.

So, moral of the story: if you're going through a breakup right now, stop wallowing in your sadness and see if there's a way you can get your ex to kill themselves. I tip my big fun hat to you on your endeavor!