Content warning: This article may be triggering to individuals who have experienced panic attacks before. Please proceed with caution.
I know what it is like to wake up every morning and start suffocating before you can even take your first breath. To want to sleep constantly because that is the only time when you feel remotely OK. When you are starving because you haven't eaten in days because your stomach is knotting itself, but nothing looks appetizing because those knots are making you nauseous.
Things that once brought you joy will not even keep you occupied and you can't be bothered to check your phone because it reminds you that other people's lives are moving and you feel stuck standing still.
The panic is constant and when you are not having an attack, you are worried about having one to the point where you do have one and then the cycle just perpetuates itself.
I know what it feels like to not want to die by any means but to finally understand why people would want to end their own lives. That is a terrifying feeling. To have that moment where you get it — to be so afraid of death and yet completely overwhelmed with life. And you don't know why you are feeling the way you do, but you are just so tired of it. It feels like you are repeating the same day over and over... same routine, same feelings.
You want to feel alive and happy but you are constantly drained and everything feels pointless because no matter what you do you know that the panic will come creeping back in. The harder you push against it, the harder it will push back.
I know that your heart is heavy and you don't feel like yourself. That every gasp of air is a chore and every tear feels like another piece of yourself falling away. I am not going to tell you that everything is fine, because I know that fact will bring you no comfort right now. But I will tell you that it is OK that you feel like this.
You are not crazy or losing your mind and you sure as hell are not a weak person because of it.
Whether it is a little baby of an episode or a massive earth-shattering one, people don't realize how much strength it takes to pull yourself out of an anxiety or panic attack. So if you have done that and are continuing to do that, I am proud of you.
I know that even when you aren't having an attack you have an unexplained sickish feeling. You aren't really sick and you don't have a headache but you just feel wrong and you can't get comfortable or stay interested in anything. That you are exhausted but you feel too strange to sleep or eat and your body is telling you to do something but you don't know what that thing is. That you don't even feel like you anymore, and it feels like with every new episode you lose yourself a little more. But you are still in there — you might feel like you can't survive this, but you can. If you have been through this before, then you are living proof you can get through it. If you haven't been through this before, I know you can — you are so strong.
I won't tell you that it ever goes away because it doesn't. Anxiety will always be a part of you. But one day, you will no longer feel like you are constantly holding your breath. There will come a time when you realize that you went five minutes without worrying about the next episode, and eventually that five minutes will turn into ten and then thirty.
Slowly, you will be able to go hours and days without that fear.
And then, you will wake up one day and realize that you feel a little like yourself again. It won't have happened overnight, but you will not have had to catch your breath before you have opened your eyes. You don't have to feel hopeful about the future, it's enough to just be curious about what is to come. You don't have to feel hopeful right now — it's normal not to — but if there is any part of you that wonders what will happen tomorrow or next week or in 10 years, that alone is cause to stick around. Give yourself an opportunity to get better, because it will happen — I promise.
You deserve to be happy and live a full life. If you, or someone you know is struggling, please get help.
Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Anxiety and Depression Association of America: 240-485-1001
National Alliance on Mental Illness: 1-800-950-6264 or www.nami.org
Emergencies: 911 or University Specific Public Safety Department
