Under the layer of pretending-to-have-it-all-together, it seems like no one at college is truly ok. Ranging from traumatic endings of long-term relationships to the multitude of anxiety disorders, our list of reasons to become socially reclusive is long. Yet, we still push through to connect with and support each other.
A few weeks ago, on an early-morning impulse, I shared my own experience with channeling my social anxiety into new friendships. A response to that article made me realize the extent to which I've adapted to other people's mental illnesses: Although knowing how to keep myself separate from other people's pain is the most important thing I've learned, being in college has also taught me a new way of interacting with others' issues.
It's cliché, but listening really is the most important part of building a connection. I've been bonding with people over our mutual diagnoses, and then discovering differences in the way we experience life, even if it's through the same basic lens. While two people may have the same depression diagnoses, the way that their perspective is changed by that depression can be radically different. This is most evident in hearing other people's triggers; the same disorder can be worsened by radically different causes.
I personally have the most experience with anxiety -- social anxiety, writing anxiety, general anxiety, all of the anxieties -- so that's been the fascinating part for me. From learning about my friends' perspectives on obsessive compulsive disorder's invasive thoughts to struggles with eating disorders, I've found new things to identify with but also aspects of their minds that are very different from mine. Instead of assuming that we'll bond over our anxiety disorders, I've learned to pause and listen to their perspectives before imposing mine over their experience.
As someone who's been on the sharing and the listening side of a personal conversation about mental illness, assuming that you're the same as someone else and commandeering the conversation is one of the worst ways you can react. Trying to open up to someone about your anxiety about parties, for example, and hearing, "I have anxiety too! I can't deal with messy spaces," is one of the most discouraging responses. Instead of opening up the conversation to your friend's personal and difficult story, you're most likely shifting the focus onto yourself, causing them to shut down and forcing them to hear your perspective.
Learning to listen and not try and bond with people's stories has been the hardest part of growing closer to people in college. (While I'm sure this is an issue for people in all stages of life, the particular way that the college transition can exacerbate disorders and draw them out of hiding make this realization seem particularly relevant to students.) Although it's beyond exciting to realize that you're not alone in your anxiety-based hatred of chewing sounds, for example, remember to make room for someone else's experience as well.
