For us political nuts, nothing gets us going like a good presidential election cycle, and the only thing more fun than watching members of your own party duke it out for a presidential nomination is to watch the other side fight amongst themselves.

With 14 (at least almost) household names thrown in the hat, I have never been more entertained nor more glad not to be voting in the Republican primary in 2016. From the formidable to the questionable to the laughable, here is an outsider's perspective on who might actually receive that coveted GOP nomination come next May.

14. Lindsey Graham: Just like Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain couldn't quit each other even though they knew their romance was destined to result in tragedy, Lindsey Graham just can't quit running for the Republican nomination despite that he knows he will never ever win it. Ever.

Chances: Bird that flies into a wind turbine.

13. Carly Fiorina: If Carly Fiorina were a man, she would probably rank higher on this list. As it stands, she is likely running for the nomination to act as some kind of lip service to women having a place in the Republican Party. Unfortunately for her, the Republican Party is not ready for a female candidate and her polling numbers reflect it. If this is the Republican answer to Hillary Clinton, I would pick someone who did not nearly run a multi-billion dollar corporation into the ground, but to each their own I suppose.

Chances: Slushie not melting in Hell.

12. Bobby Jindal: Even below President Obama as the least popular politician in Louisiana, which you might note is the state he is the governor of, Bobby Jindal has barely made a blip in the polls, and it is not hard to see why if you look at how Louisiana has fared during his tenure as governor.

Chances: Being less popular than President Obama to people in the deep South.

11. Rick Santorum: With a reputation for being loony and the only Republican candidate with a gay sex product bearing his or her name, Rick Santorum is sadly low on this list. Not sadly because he would be a good president or anything, but sadly because if he were to receive the candidacy we could all laugh at him for an extra six months.

Chances: Not at least kind of regretting googling "Santorum".

10. Chris Christie: Despite having a cute and quirky name, Chris Christie does not seem like the kind of guy who you would want to invite to a dinner party. He may or may not be a criminal, but the man gives me the heebie jeebies nevertheless. At any rate, he has virtually no chance of receiving the candidacy unless he starts killing his friends with carbon monoxide in garages and throwing reporters in front of moving subways.

Chances: Your favorite character on House of Cards not getting murdered by Frank Underwood.

9. Rick Perry: If the thing you are most proud of is the number of people who were executed during your governorship, perhaps your priorities are skewed. He has very little self-awareness and once made a commercial about his anti-gay stances in a jacket and hat 150% out of Brokeback Mountain (also, is this my second Brokeback Mountain reference in this article? If this is wrong, I don't want to be right). Nevertheless, he is in fact running for president again, so I guess we will probably get some more awesome commercials to tide us over another four years.

Chances: Making it out of a Rick Perry presidency alive.

8. Ted Cruz: Despite looking like The Count from Sesame Street, Ted Cruz is not exactly cute and cuddly either. He is currently under fire for possibly attempting to buy his way onto the New York Times Bestseller List by "strategic bulk purchases" by hiring people to buy his ironically named new book A Time For Truth. Given the genuine success of other candidates' books, things don't look too good for Ted.

Chances: Making it on the NYT bestseller list without paying people to buy your book.

7. Mike Huckabee: While Mike Huckabee will never be the Republican nominee, he definitely has his supporters. Old white people love God, Grits, and Gravy, which is incidentally the name of his latest book, in which he essentially says that those who live in the densely populated places that he calls bubbles are liberal, amoral, and just generally wrong. He might have forgotten that by definition that means he has isolated a lot of voters.

Chances: Death by vending machine.

6. Donald Trump: Somehow this angry bigoted man with more money than Midas and a terrible toupée has slipped into a slot much higher on this list than he ever should be. Why? How? Because he says in front of a microphone what 78% of old people think (mostly) privately. He has no regard for the Republican Party's attempts to appeal to Hispanic voters. He openly hates the poor. God is dead. There is no logic anymore.

Chances: Being attacked on vacation by a shark in the Outer Banks, NC.

5. Marco Rubio: The only truly nice thing I can say about Marco Rubio is that there is an item in his online campaign store called a Marco Polo, a reference to either a famous Italian explorer or a popular swimming pool game, which I think is both clever and adorable. As for his chances of receiving the nomination, while they are not terrible, they are also not good.

Chances: Winning a game of Marco Polo in the the Pacific Ocean.

4. Ben Carson: For those who wish to see more elected officials who have not been career politicians, Ben Carson is a more ideal candidate than most of the others on the ballot. He has seen a surprising amount of support, in fact, but the kind that is necessary to win the candidacy is just not there. It will be interesting to see where he finishes come May, but it will almost certainly not be in first.

Chances: Being struck by lightning on a golf course.

3. Rand Paul: While I commend my junior senator for standing up for what he believes in so long as it directly benefits him and other wealthy white guys who like to light up on the weekends, he has forgotten that there is an incentive in these things to toe the party line. Going against your party means less funding, and less funding translates into fewer votes. Furthermore, it is only a matter of time before the rest of the nation finds out that he never actually passed boards and personally made up a field of medicine, but I digress.

Chances: Meeting a fully initiated member of the elusive Aqua Buddha club at Baylor University.

2. Scott Walker: Despite comparing pro-union protesters to ISIS, and receiving only modest funding from supporters, Scott Walker is doing remarkably well and is actually up in a couple polls. While he is viewed as approachable and likable, he is not viewed as intelligent, and we have all seen how well that turns out for Republican candidates.

Chances: ISIS militants actually infiltrating your friendly neighborhood National Education Association.

1. Jeb Bush: Love them or hate them, the Bushes are to the Republican Party what the Kennedys were to the Democratic Party: Royalty. Unfortunately for Jeb, this whole democracy thing means he cannot simply claim the throne for himself because his father and brother have had it before him, and he faces a lot of very formidable opposition from the left. For our purposes though, he is the most likely Republican Party nominee since he is actually not so far right that it is nauseating and he has the funds to bankroll a primary campaign before a general election. Points off for a terrible campaign logo, though.

Chances: Actually winning a major party nomination with a name like Jeb.