This one will be written easily and painfully. Perhaps not prettily, but only because it is true.
I was raised Catholic. I was also raised fully aware that being Catholic meant I went to church with one of my parents a lot more than the other. Their religions were not the same. The other religion in my life was that of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or Mormon. Because Catholicism was the one that I was primarily raised to be in tune with, I never strongly considered being Mormon. However, the fact that there were two made me wonder even when I was young, what’s the right answer? Which religion is “real”? I was placed on a battlefield in which I was the ground to be won, and it was a true cause of heartache when I was young.
I was never the ground that should’ve been fought over. That is to say, I never chose either side, nor will I ever choose any sort of side for the rest of my life. There are many religions that consist of set systems of beliefs, and in acknowledging difference I can’t acknowledge one god. Because I never chose, I’ve been called (half-jokingly, though it’s true) “ye of little faith.” I’ve been asked if I am an atheist, if I’m agnostic, if I believe in heaven and hell.
The truth is, I don’t know what I am or if there is anything I believe in. Religion has only ever caused conflict in my life, even when refusing to accept one. If I had chosen a side, there would have been some sort of break between family in my life. Since I didn’t choose a side, I’ve become more of a common enemy. Something to argue against rather than for. And that’s okay.
For me, if a religion has the power to make a family stronger, then I think that it should be used to do just that. To create bonds between people over something that they believe and have in common with one another, even on a church-wide scale. Again, though, I have experienced only conflicts in my life. They have been within myself and with others. And that’s okay.
After all this time, I’ve come to feel more confident in not taking up a religion. I’m okay with living my life knowing that I’m a good person. I don’t have anything to pray for, but the hopes I have for loved ones feel the same as if they were a prayer.
Over the years, the pain of not being able to choose has dwindled, but not into nothing. There’s still guilt for going against believing anything. But I’m not going to force myself to do something that would leave me feeling halfhearted. I’m also not seeking any sort of help that would try to convince me why a religion is better, nor am I looking for reinforcement that my decision is a good one. Rather, with this story, my top interest is trying to show that religion isn’t black and white for everyone. In fact, I’m sure most people do run into times when they question their own, and that’s okay.
The truth is that we’re all going to struggle to some degree or another when it comes to this sort of thing. But if you happen to be someone with an experience like mine, it’s most important for me to say that you are not alone. It’s okay to be confused when you’re stuck in the middle, and whatever you decide, don’t let it be something that crushes you. Instead, take hold of the knowledge that it’s okay to be a good person, and not necessarily choose a title that ties you to a religion.
