A lot of my close friends know that I am recently single. Which is something extremely saddening for me, because I feel as though I’ve lost one of my best friends of 6 years. It’s also upsetting because I feel like it was preventable. Granted maybe not from my side, but preventable still. However, I’m trying to be a better person. I don’t want to be angry at people when they break up with me. I don’t want to feel like I’ve been betrayed, especially when that person now knows almost every aspect of my soul.

The other reason being single upsets me so greatly is that I haven’t been single in…well, about 5 years now. I don’t know if I remember how to be on my own anymore. I don’t know if I can stand being on my own anymore. One thing I always loved about having a significant other was having someone who I knew would always have my back. Someone who I could call every night and just listen to them talk, or play a game, or watch a movie with them. I don’t get to do these things too often with my close friends, and it may be because I feel a different type of love for my close friends than I do my signifiant other.

I’ve been up the past few days, crying at random intervals at even the most innocuous things. For example, I was watching bits and pieces of Pitch Perfect 2 while I waited for the cable guys to show up at our house. During the final performance, I started to cry. And not, like, just a few streaming tears, but full on ugly sobbing into the little neck pillow I was using to keep my head up. I have no idea what brought on this sudden emotional outburst. There was nothing in that scene that reminded me of my now-ex-boyfriend, but still, I found the emotions wanting to pour out of me like a faucet. I’ve also been venting out these emotions to some of my friends, who understand how much my ex meant to me.

I think I am currently in the post-breakup stage of misery, and for some reason I find this to be okay. I tried to salvage our relationship, I really wanted it to work, but the second we said our last words to each other, I removed my ex from every social media platform I have. Skype, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, I did it all, even my gaming stuff. I even unfriended and unfollowed his friends, because I had only really friended them in the first place because being friends with his friends made him happy.

I don’t think he ever friended any of my friends. Not any that we didn’t already share anyway.

I think he’s also the reason I wrote my article last week on not being a healer all the time. At the time, I was thinking about how I overextended myself time and time again because I was desperate for someone to love me. Because I don’t love myself enough.

If anything, I am trying to embrace being single now. I am trying to learn that first and foremost, I should unconditionally love myself. I hope I am not single forever, though, as I still have dreams of getting married and having a family one day, but for now, I am blissfully single. This does not mean that I am alone, nor am I necessarily lonely. I still have a ton of wonderful, supportive friends to spend my time with, and I am truly thankful for that. I think with their help, and a lot of ice cream, I can learn to be happily single. All I can say for now though, is that it’s fine to let your emotions out. Sometimes to let go, you really need to just let go. Bottling everything up isn’t going to help anyone in the long run, and you’ll thank yourself later.

Yes, I am sad and angry about my break up. I have every right to be. As does anyone else who get broken up with. Yell, scream, cry, but remember to take care of yourself afterwards. You’ll never need someone else to want you if you want yourself.