When I started high school four years ago, I was just some little freshman in a pond of intimidating giants known as the seniors. I was fortunate enough to know some of them from my older siblings, but I was basically scared of anyone who looked at me. I wanted to do well. I wanted to be smart, I wanted kids to like me, I wanted teachers to like me, I wanted everything out of my high school experience that I could possibly get.
Most people with anxiety know that having anxiety means that your head is racing with what feels like 500 thousand million thoughts every second and they’re all running so fast that you can’t actually grasp any of them. I thought that everyone’s minds were always this busy, so I just went on with my life.
One day while I was sitting in math class taking a test, I was suddenly very overwhelmed and just started to cry. My amazing teacher came up to me and asked me what was wrong and I just didn’t know. I couldn’t figure out one of the problems so I thought I was going to fail. If I failed I wouldn’t get a good grade and then I wouldn’t get into college and then I wouldn’t get a job and then I would live in a box. That is what my mind let me to.
I didn't realize that not everyone's head spiraled out of control like this and soon my advisor told me that she thought I had anxiety, and I didn't really comprehend that. I had never taken medication for anything before and it just seemed weird. I was normal, I was cool, I was all good. No, I was not. I needed help but was not willing to search for it because I feared I was bugging every single person that I talked to. My mind started to take over and my school work was being affected.
One of the super fun things that also links with anxiety is eating disorders, and I dabbled in a few. I didn't really think my mindset was weird, similarly with my anxiety I thought that everything in my head was normal. I hated my body and my legs and stomach and anything that you can think of. I can remember being 10 or 11 and not wanting to wear a bathing suit or being self conscious at the beach.
When freshman year started I started to eat less because I told myself I wasn't hungry, and the throwing up didn't start until my sophomore year. I kept telling myself its normal, its normal, but it really wasn't. Finally junior year I couldn't handle it anymore and I broke down to my advisor and he helped me get the help I needed with medication.
Anxiety is a scary thing, and not many people know the effect it has one people and the other mental health issues that go along with it. A lot of people I have talked to about this think that anxiety is something that you can just will to go away, but when your chest tightens and your head gets dizzy and you can't see because you are having some crazy weird head rush of an anxiety attack, you cannot just force it away.
People need to be more aware of mental health issues and not judge someone for them, because anxiety, depression and eating disorders, or any mental disorder for that matter, do not make people weak, they make them stronger.
