This week, I learned that more than one in three women and more than one in four men will be in a violent relationship during their lifetime. This week, I learned that these statistics were at least 33.33 percent too high. This week, I also learned that I could make a difference.
Thanks to the efforts of the One Love Foundation, college students all over the country are educating their peers to recognize the signs of relationship abuse and take the necessary steps to intervene if a friend or loved one is in danger. The One Love Foundation was founded in 2010 to honor the memory of Yeardley Love, a senior lacrosse player at the University of Virginia, who was beaten to death by her ex-boyfriend. By recruiting student-facilitators from college campuses all over the U.S., and running powerful and emotionally engaging workshops like the one I attended, the One Love foundation is working hard to stigmatize the behavior of relationship abuse, and involve the "good" guys and girls — people who will neither perpetrate violence against a partner, nor experience it — on an issue that dramatically impacts them and their friends. One Love aims to open students’ eyes to the reality of relationship abuse and show them how to intervene so that together we can alter the social climate that presently enables abuse to take place.
When I think about my friends and loved ones, both here and at home, I worry about drunk driving collisions when they stupidly decide to get behind the wheel after a party. I worry about date rape, sexual violence, and that guy that won’t leave them alone after a few too many. And I worry they will experience illness and death within their families, or even worse, themselves. But I have never worried that any one of them would be the victim of such an abusive, dangerous, and violent relationship that they can neither leave their partner nor seek help from the people that care about them most.
Yet, the statistics say one in three. This means that you have most likely sat in class next to, or stood in line for coffee behind or even been close friends with someone who was experiencing relationship abuse — and you probably had no idea. This is because abusive relationships are often extremely hard to recognize.
Often times, violent relationships are disguised as passionate, loving, and deeply committed relationships, making it extremely difficult for friends and families to even recognize that something is wrong. In fact, according to the One Love foundation, 57 percent of people report that it is difficult to identify dating violence. One Love cites intensity, jealousy, a tendency to control, deliberate isolation, criticism, and unreasonable blaming as some of the factors that could point to an unhealthy relationship that could potentially escalate into abuse. So perhaps, if your best friend is constantly being told what to wear or what to think or whom to hang out with by her boyfriend, or is constantly proving that she was not in fact flirting with her co-worker, or keeps missing "girls' night" to hang out with bae, then perhaps you should talk to her.
However, even if we are almost certain that someone we love is in an abusive relationship, there is still the question of what to do next. Confront your friend? Report the abuse? It's a tough one, and according to One Love, 58 percent of college students say they do not know what to do to help someone who is a victim of relationship violence. And this is because I don’t think there is a correct answer. Every case is different and every individual is different. You may have to talk to them, or confront the abuser, or even just report the abuse directly to a counselor or official; it will depend on the situation. But the one thing you cannot do is ignore it.
Educate yourself on the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Recognize them when they appear. Speak up and don’t be a bystander.
No, it’s not your responsibility to police the relationships of your friends, but if you could help protect a friend and potentially save their life, why wouldn’t you? And if you could help dismantle the social climate that concurrently enables relationship violence to occur, why wouldn’t you?
For more information on the One Love foundation, or to find out how you can support the cause, visit http://www.joinoneLove.org.
