I am going to thoroughly embarrass myself here and tell the entire world that up until two years ago, at the ripe old age of 23, I had never had a boyfriend or any kind of romantic relationship. No awkward first dates. No first kiss. No anything. I know, I know. Go ahead, start laughing and get it over with. I used to be embarrassed by it but now, not so much. I wasn’t exactly what you would call the prettiest girl in school, nor was I the most popular. There were times that I felt invisible, and wondered what was wrong with me. Why weren’t boys noticing me for something other than how wickedly smart I was? Besides having braces, bad acne, horrible shyness when it came to meeting new people, and being horribly uncomfortable in my own skin, I thought I was cool.

I used to think not having a boyfriend was the end of the world. I would get so jealous when my small group of equally nerdy friends would talk about their boyfriends or the guy they had a crush on who was crushing them back. I remember feeling like not having a boyfriend meant I wasn’t worthy as a person. How I would love to go back and hug that girl and tell her you don’t need a man or need to be in a relationship to define your worth as a person.

Flash forward to the summer of 2015. My best friend was getting married and had asked me to be her maid of honor. Her soon to be husband asked his best friend to be the best man. Need I say more? It was so cliché. Maid of honor and best man get together and live happily ever after. Right? Wrong. Looking back on it now I still ask myself, what were you thinking?

I wasn’t. And that was the problem. I was having a hard time believing that after 23 years of being single, suddenly here was this guy, acting like he was interested in me. As more than a friend. I thought it was too good to be true. We talked for a few days on Facebook before I gave him my number and after that, it was endless amounts of texting. I don’t think I had ever texted someone that much in my life, aside from my mother. It was ridiculous.

There was also a lot of baggage involved. He was divorced yet still living with his ex-wife of eight years and helping to care for his son. That should have been a big red flag right there. But I thought, no problem. I can deal with that. His ex seemed to like me and thought I was a decent person. Thankfully throughout the whole six-month ordeal I never had to experience the whole ‘baby mama drama’ situation. For that I am extremely grateful.

A few months later we started ‘hanging out.’ I hate when people use that phrase in a relationship. “We’re just hanging out.” You are either dating or spending time together, getting to know one another. You hang out with your friends and family. You don’t ‘hang out’ with someone you’re in a relationship with or thinking about having one with.

Ladies, if you ever bring a man (or woman) home and your mother gives them ‘the look,’ send them packing. Don’t even bother with explanations. Just let them go. If you can’t decide whether to have your parents meet the person you are in a relationship with or thinking of having one with, go no further. I remember when he came to pick me up and told me “I got this” before meeting my mom. And got it he did not. He comes to pick me up wearing a ridiculous white “Eat Meat” shirt or something to that effect, and looking like he just rolled out of bed. Seriously? You couldn’t have put just a little bit more effort into looking nice when meeting my mother?

And then it was over. Just like that. After six months of on again, off again status, he hits me with the whole ‘I think we’re better off as friends. I’m not ready for a relationship.’ Wow. Really? I thought okay, that’s cool. I was feeling the same way anyway when I was finally honest with myself. Was I brokenhearted? Of course! All those fears and insecurities I had about myself, not being pretty enough, not being smart enough, not being enough, all of those had started to creep back in and I was the one that got dumped. Not once, but twice within six months. Maybe in some way those insecurities contributed to the relationship failing on my end. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me and I had no idea what I was doing. Yet right after dumping me, within a matter of weeks, he went and found himself a new girlfriend. So much for not being ready for a relationship.

Looking back on it now, I realize that I wasn’t really into him. I was into the idea of being in a relationship and thought maybe it could work, but when I actually stopped to think about it, I knew it wasn’t right. There were a lot of times he would say or do something that really pissed me off, and I wanted to say something. But I didn’t. I kept my inner Julia Sugarbaker at bay when all she wanted to do was get out and give him a piece of her mind. And I should have. But I was afraid. Afraid that if I let my inner thoughts and opinions out, he would walk away and that would be it. Now I realize that it probably would not have mattered anyway; he was a class A jerk, and someone I didn’t need nor wanted to waste my time and energy on.

Here’s what I learned though from that disastrous first relationship:

- Your first relationship will not be your last relationship. It might take a while before you find the right person, but you will, eventually. And it might not even be the person you expected.

- Do not ever be afraid to speak up or speak your mind. If they can’t handle that you have actual thoughts and opinions, that’s their problem. Not yours.

- Listen and trust your instincts. My gut was telling me that I should run far, far away and I didn’t listen until it was over and I was left holding my heart in my hands.

- If the person overall makes you feel uncomfortable or if you find yourself having second thoughts or doubts, walk away.

- If your ‘dates’ only consist of ‘hanging out’ at his house or the best friend’s house and you never actually go out on a date, in public, start asking yourself why. And then start asking them why.

- Being single is NOT the end of the world.

My first relationship was a disaster, but I learned a lot about myself as a person. I learned what I was willing to put up with and where lines would be drawn in a new relationship. I learned that being someone who wants to see and believe the best in people isn’t always a good thing, and it can get your heart broken. I learned that I would rather be single than be with someone I couldn’t trust and that made me feel insecure about myself.

I also learned that being in a relationship doesn’t define your worth as a person. What you do and how you act and how you treat other people, those are the things that define your worth as a person. My first relationship was a disaster, but it taught me so much about what I want not only for myself, but in a future relationship, and it taught me so much more about who I am as a person.