I asked my best friend to spend the night, because I was so anxious for the next morning. I couldn't do it alone, I wouldn't sleep if I had been alone. The thoughts of what I could have changed would have raced in my head all night, not that they didn't anyway, but it just seemed easier to have her there with me. On the short car ride to campus we listened to "Good Riddance," and that's when I really knew.
I knew what my letter would hold, I had a feeling, but the song solidified it for me. My hands shook as I reached for my envelope as I walked to the dining hall, as I sat with my best friend and boyfriend and ripped it open. I don't know why I was so eager to read it, I already knew what it would say. I unfolded the letter, my eyes fell on only one word, "Unfortunately". I carefully folded the letter, put it back in the ripped envelope, and smiled, fighting back tears. "I'm fine" I said, trying to find a laugh over the knot in my throat. They both looked at me and knew I wasn't, but they didn't force me to talk. In that moment, and moments following, I felt nothing, just...empty. I had just gotten my first rejection letter, and it hurt; it hurt bad.
Now, I realize, it was a blessing in disguise.
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders." My trust in God has grown exponentially since the day I got my rejection letter. I know that He has a plan for me, and this was not in His plan. Who am I to question His choices for me? I know that His love can never guide me wrong. I did all that I could do; I was honest in the application and vulnerable in my interview. I spoke from my heart and put myself out there, and it didn't work out. So, I am choosing to follow His path to wherever He leads me next, because I know it will be where He needs me to serve Him.
I am stronger. Rejection is a part of living. It hurts, it will sting, and it will make you contemplate your worth in some situations. But it is also crucial. You need it to grow into the person you will be, it is essential in growing up and facing the world. I chose to take my rejection and the pain with it, and channel it into strength and persevere. Rejection and defeat are not the same, my friend. You can deal with rejection, you can't accept defeat. I know that I still have so much more to conquer in my next 3 years at A&M. I will not be brought down.
I have gained my truest friends. I found that through the pain I was able to bond with others who felt the same passion, whether they were accepted or not. I can truly say, the time after I opened that letter, I grew exponentially closer to some friends. That's when I knew that I was going to be okay. There is always a silver lining, dear friend. Often times, when you are weakest is when you find the love that is truest. I found my truest friends through this, and for that I am forever grateful.
Now, I chose to remember the memories I made, the love I felt, the everlasting friendships and bonds I have created. Although I will not be continuing, this organization will forever be close to me and have a very very special place in my heart. As I finish this, tears well up in my eyes. Not from pain, but from joy. From the love and compassion I have for every individual I met through my journey and everything it has given me. So thank you, for loving me so graciously, for being my home, and pushing me when you knew I could fly.
