Not too many nights ago, a little past midnight, I was behind the desk at work, as I normally would be. I was setting up my Wii U for the night (having an entire hotel lobby to yourself for 4-5 hours means you get a lot of room to do as you please) when a man walked in from the main entrance and came to the desk. He was a large man with friendly eyes. I can't remember what he was wearing, but I do hope that he had on warm clothes, or at least layers, because he shared with me the fact that he was homeless. He briefly brought up that it was cold outside, and asked me what I can do for him as far as a room. I obviously had to ask him what he had "to work with," and he sheepishly responded that all he had were the pennies in his pocket. The chuckle he added at the end of his sentence betrayed some embarrassment.

I wasn't entirely surprised when he stated this, though I was at least expecting him to have a few dollars on hand. From the moment those words left his lips, I knew there was nothing I could do for him, but because I was not at all looking forward to saying it, I let a moment pass. In that moment, I thought to myself how easy it would be to give this man a room, how it wouldn't actually cost me anything, or even the hotel for that matter, just to let him sleep in a warm bed for just one night.

However, in that moment, the understanding that it is much more complicated than that also ran through my mind. Housekeeping will now need to clean another room, which takes time from those who actually paid. Even if it is only one extra room, it can easily affect how the rest of their day goes. I myself had recently made a few mistakes at work, and putting myself in a position like that at anytime is a hazard to my employment. Later, after that night, a few other considerations presented themselves: if he damaged the room, I would end up being the person covering the damages; if he had an altercation with another guest, I would be partially at fault if a paying guest was hurt. Logical points as they may be, an air of selfishness hung over them.

Bringing myself back to that night, that pause in our conversation now had to end with my response. This is where I now had to tell this man what the deal is: I could not give him a room for free. I did share with him the fact that I recently had a number of issues with this job, and could not afford to take another risk, and apologized for the circumstances. He sat on my words for a moment, then asked if he could talk to a manager. Being the time that it was, not only was there not a manager present, but no other employees at all besides myself. It sunk in for him at that moment; the only person keeping him from having a room that night was me and me alone.

A hint of defeat showed on his face. Solemnly, he turned to the door with a sigh. Before he stepped outside, without looking at me, he said, "it's on you, then." Then he was gone, and he didn't return for the rest of the night. 30 seconds passed, give or take, and I didm't move. His words had achieved their purpose, successfully instilling shame into me, even if it was only for a number of seconds.

I will reinforce the fact that it was not that long ago, so I haven't had a great deal of time to think critically about that exchange. Obviously I wish to know that I was in the "right." There are so many things to consider when one attempts to do this, not just with this situation, but any situation with discernible stakes. When I do think about it, what usually pops into my head is, "you did the right thing." As a business, it's not in your best interest to give something up for free if it ordinarily costs a fair amount of money (no matter how cheap it can get, you'll never find a hotel stay on the dollar menu), and while it may be only me who thinks this, it would be in some capacity an insult to the paying guests. As mentioned before, there is housekeeping to keep in mind, and the general fact that if my generosity in this case were discovered, it could easily cost me my job and put my living situation in peril.

There is only one reason that comes up when I think of why I should have given him the room: the thought that this man has no bed of his own, no walls to make him feel safe, or heat to make him feel comfortable. A long, cold night of uncertainty awaited him when he left...and I could have changed that. This particular reason brings up a few other points as to why it was right not to offer the room, but I'd rather not trail off into a discussion of economic privilege and rights. As far as things stand, I did what I felt was mathematically the right thing to do.

There's always the chance that is was a total lie and he was just a jerk who wanted a free room. I don't know which reality would be worse.

Maybe what I'm really at ends with is the fact that this experience was yet another reminder that there are moments when you want to reach out and help a person in need, but life's complications turn you into the bad guy.