I refuse to be a second option anymore. I'm not a back-up plan. After years of hating myself, I'm slowly realizing that I am more than second best. I am more than just a "sometimes". I am not someone you can only hit up when you're drunk or alone on the weekend. I am no longer giving people chance after chance. You and I both know the difference between right and wrong. Mistakes happen, I know this, but, when "mistakes" become repetitive, they're now choices. YOUR choices. From now on, you get two strikes and then you're outta here.
I made the mistake of falling for someone who was in a relationship. I had never felt that kind of love for someone before and my gut told me to back the hell up, but my heart kept pushing me to pursue it. I spent 8 months of my life being constantly hurt, waiting until 2 am to talk to you because you had to wait for your girlfriend to go to sleep, and wondering why you couldn't just pick me or drop me. One day I just woke up wanting everything back from him..
I want my touches, my kisses, my sex, my love, my loyalty, my time, my emotions, my energy, my conversations, my compromises, my efforts, and my vulnerability. But, most importantly, I wanted myself back. I hated feeling like he was walking around happily on a daily basis with ALL of me, while I was walking around feeling disturbingly empty... In that moment, I just wanted to take every damn thing I had given him back.
You had your chance with me and now you're seeing what you lost. You were seriously the love of my life and you broke my heart. That's not something you just get over. I still worry about you and I continue to pray for you and your family. I hope you're better and that you're happy. What we had was great, don't get me wrong. I know that it happened for a reason, but some things happen in life so that we can be taught a lesson. As for me, I'm finally figuring myself out and I'm so excited!
This year, I refuse to waste my time with people who want me to be a second choice. It's time for me to focus on myself and the people who put me first. This year is about me and bettering myself. I'm cutting off all people who have hurt me or made me feel unworthy. I've messed around these first two months, but no more. 2018 will be my year. A year of self love, growth, and change.
