When I was sixteen years old, my thighs couldn't rub together when I walked even if I wanted them to. I could wrap my hand around my upper arm and my thumb reached my middle finger. Sitting at a consultation for an out-patient program, my mother asked how long it would take for me to be better. There was no answer that could accurately tell us when "better" would come around. They didn't discharge me until my freshman year of college, and in hindsight, I feel like that could have been even too soon.

Some people can overcome their addictions cold turkey. Some people really do recover and never look back at their harmful habits again. It's important to keep in mind, however, that this is almost never the case. When we hear about stars like Demi Lovato, Mac Miller, Amy Winehouse, etc. the media whips out a story that they were around "bad influences" or it's at fault of other people or their environment. It's not. Addiction, self-harm, eating disorders are a mental illness that can never be overcome with one visit to rehab, or just a few visits to a professional. Those that are struggling might even be in the middle of a relapse while still seeing a therapist.

Recovery does not mean "on this day, I will never hurt myself again." Recovery is first, realizing that what you are doing to yourself is a problem for you. It's cliché, but if you fully believe that skipping meals for three days or just dabbling in drugs is not hurting you, you're obviously not going to want to get help, and you're not going to believe your friends if they tell you that you have a problem. Well, how can you not see that what you're doing is an issue? That's why it's a mental illness. Your mind stops thinking rationally and clearly.

This is not to say that anyone with a problem will need to be in therapy or a program for the rest of their lives. But, these professionals can only give you the tools you need to overcome obstacles without them. Recovery is a lifelong practice. Sometimes you mess up and have to learn what you did wrong so you can do better next time. Sometimes you catch yourself reverting to thoughts or ideas that were the stem of your illness, and you have to re-train your mind again.

There is no such thing as recovery without relapse.

I don't think I will ever say that I am fully recovered from my eating disorder. No, I have not restricted my calories to an unhealthy amount in years, nor do I weigh myself incessantly or value myself based on what size my jeans are. But I am afraid of the scale because I will beat myself up over the number. Sometimes I do count every calorie I've eaten and panic if it's above a "normal" amount. I have even made myself sick once or twice in the last year.

I can say that I have overall bettered my life and myself, though. Most days, my body is not an obsession or even a second thought. My self-talk is pure love and encouragement. My confidence has reached a place that I didn't know existed. And the best part of all of this is that I love myself to realize that there will be bad days, or weeks, or months that I will struggle, but part of life is knowing that it always gets better.