Disclaimer: This article is inspired by a book I recently read called "Reclaiming Your Heart" by Denise Jones and I really recommend the read. This book changed my perspective on who I was and how I needed to have a heart for Christ and not for others
Finding Your Heart
My journey began at rock bottom, this might be the state that you are in now. I began as someone that was inwardly vulnerable, prideful, and fearful; I never thought that God would have a plan for me. I felt I needed to take control and "better" myself constantly. But was I really bettering myself? These constant efforts to change myself caused me to have a "shut-down heart", specifically I had a performing heart. The lie that my performing heart told me daily was that "The way God made me was not good enough, so I have to fake it". I acted out the person I thought I had to be to feel worthy, I wanted an ideal me rather than the me that God already created.
Having a performing heart can come in all shapes and sizes. Maybe you were given a "family code" as a child; your family told you what to think, how to act, and how to live your life, which caused you to live your life for them to "approve" your actions. Maybe your performing heart was caused by emotional instability in experiencing physical, sexual, or emotion abuse, you might have felt you needed to prove your own worth. Maybe you were bullied in school and wanted to prove to your bullies that you were superior to them. If you have experienced one or more of these things, you may have a shut-down heart. If this is you or someone you know, please keep reading or share with those individuals you know. Start to fight for your heart, if not you, who else will?
Be Authentic
I did not know where to start. Eighteen years went by and I thought I knew exactly who I was. For my whole life, I was the outspoken, determined, and stubborn Amanda; people just accepted this as me. It's okay to be broken, it's okay to be at rock-bottom. The common misconception people have is that they need to "get themselves right" before they seek Jesus. This is not true. Jesus has been fighting for your heart all along. The first step to reclaiming your heart is to be honest with yourself. My personal eye opener was watching the Disney movie "Mulan" for the first time in years. The song "Reflection" played and the words, "Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? When will my reflection show who I am inside?" I then said out loud to myself: When will I be enough? The true answer is that none of my performances can ever make me enough. I had to admit to myself that there is only one person who is enough: Jesus Christ. But trust me, this did not happen magically.
Let God Write Your Story
The second step to putting God at the center of your life is to repent. You have paid more attention than what you wanted your image to be rather than God's image for you. He knows your name and your story even better than yourself, why try to put on a mask and not only try to fool the world but God himself? Just as a shepherd will always accept stray sheep into his flock, Jesus will accept you. Pursue him in ways you never have before. I pursued Jesus by changing the music I listen to and spending the time to read books about my faith. Sometimes, even just spending a couple of moments in prayer in silence, God can speak to you and show him the heart and the plan that he has for you. I know this sounds corny, but let go and let God. I will say this bluntly: stop with the arrogant "do it all attitude." I had it and I still struggle with it, Be able to admit you need God to get through everyday life; studying the word should almost like be studying for an exam. The word prepares you for life and can help you improve inwardly and outwardly (unlike a Chemistry textbook).
Reflect and Move On
Reflect your actions and the heart you are fighting to claim. In this culture, it is hard to keep your heart. Your heart can be lost from overconsumption in involvement within your job, school, marriage, etc. I know how much you may hate to hear this but I have to say it: you will have to give up some things to become an ultimately positive person for yourself. I had to give up negativity all around me, including the people that put me down, people I followed on social media, what I listened to on the radio and television. I even had to battle my own thoughts for positive input. My performing heart did not accept the freckles on my face or the way I stutter when I get excited, or how I have to study more than others. I have learned to embrace what I thought were flaws as part of who I am. Your heart is the only thing you got; please hold on to it and never let it go. It is precious, I promise you.
