The penultimate episode of Kaitlyn’s love quest aired last night with this season’s usual mix of drama and profound discomfort for everyone involved, myself included. In an odd combination of sex and parents, we finally have our top two bachelors, and this love triangle angst is escalating to ‘Twilight’-level proportions. The episode begins with last week’s cliffhanger, where Shawn and Nick’s anger and possessive tendencies rival those of Edward and Jacob. The only difference is that Edward and Jacob are fictional characters, whereas Shawn and Nick are actual, real-life human males.
And then there’s Ben H., who you probably forgot about because Nick and Shawn as the final two is basically a foregone conclusion at this point. Kaitlyn confirms this by calling him “cute” and “such a sweetheart” on their Fantasy Suite date. Ouch. She might as well have just told him he’s like a little brother to her. They ride horses together, which for some reason seems vaguely sexual to me, further proof that this season has placed my mind neatly in the gutter for the rest of eternity.
Shawn’s Fantasy Suite date is up next, where they spend the day golfing. Kaitlyn wears weird pants and Shawn’s polo is too tight. Kaitlyn recognizes how ridiculous their clothes look, so naturally she orders Shawn to strip naked and proceeds to run around the golf course while a man wearing only a black box chases her. They actually put this scene in the promo trailer for the season, except they edited it to look like it was some crazy guy who lost it and ran around naked. Well played, editors. Later, Kaitlyn and Shawn enjoy a romantic dinner where they discuss what a scumbag Nick is. Kaitlyn gets horny just talking about it, so they head to the Fantasy Suite to presumably get it on.
Irish music. So much Irish music.
The inevitable happens at the rose ceremony: Ben H. goes home. Kaitlyn is sad, but at least her cleavage looks good. The good news is that Ben will most likely get the coveted Bachelor position for next season, so we’ll hopefully get to see more of his beautiful face in January.
So, the fun part is over. Time to meet Shawn and Nick’s families, but not before Nick and Shawn have one last face-off, where we get to hear them talk over each other for a solid five minutes. Riveting television.
Nick’s up first to introduce Kaitlyn to his family, so they head to a nondescript hotel in Utah to meet his parents and his several hundred siblings. Does his family live in this hotel? Are they making some sort of "Eloise" reboot, except instead of the Plaza, it’s a three-star Marriott Courtyard in Salt Lake City? I have so many questions for these people, including their potential LDS background. I know, not everyone from Utah is Mormon, but if you told me this was a scene from "Sister Wives," I might believe you.
Nick tells his family that there are only two guys left, “so yeah, that happened.” Awkward silence follows as the unsuspecting Viall family slowly comes to the realization that Nick and Kaitlyn have banged. Kaitlyn chats with Nick’s family and tells them how much she loves “the person he is,” because that’s way different than saying she loves him. Nick’s prepubescent sister tells Kaitlyn she could see her as her sister-in-law, and they giggle about all the crazy fun things they’d do together once they’re sisters and BFFs. Nick talks to his mom about how much he loves making out with Kaitlyn, while she nods and disapproves silently.
Shawn’s family meet-and-greet goes much better, even though I have no idea where they are or what hotel this is. I’m also having trouble understanding how any of these people are related. One sister looks like a former cast member of MTV’s "Jersey Shore," the other looks like she just got back from her shift at Ann Taylor Loft. Shawn’s dad is a skeptic, asking him “what the hell is going on” with him and Kaitlyn, but immediately jumps onboard the bandwagon once Shawn says a few nice things. Mr. Booth really sticks to his guns.
Next week, the men will tell all, and I personally can’t wait to hear what they have to say. Then it’s the finale and the final two bachelors’ epic battle for Kaitlyn’s heart.
Are you #TeamShawn or #TeamNick? Let us know in the comments section!
