Hey, women, what gives? Always complaining about the patriarchy, manspreading, and the fact that we make more money than you; It’s really quite a bore. I don’t think any of you have even considered the scientific data behind why things are the way they are. That’s why I’ve compiled this list of peer-reviewed facts that will have you asking why the wage gap isn’t even bigger than it already is.
We Put the Toilet Seat Down for You
Look before you leap? More like, look before you sit. Women are constantly asking men, “Could you put the toilet seat down for me?” Maybe I’d be okay with this if ladies put the seat up for me, but I might as well be asking them to hold a door for me (see below). All my life, women have complained about almost falling in because the seat was left up. JUST LOOK BEFORE YOU SIT. Do you not look before you take a seat on the subway or in a grimy movie theater? Well this is a toilet, where people dump excess body waste. Doesn’t that sound like something you want to examine before you naively plop your fanny onto it?
Doors, Chairs, and Bears, Oh My!
Who needs a gym membership when you have to hold doors open for women all day? Girls are always talking about how they're independent and don't need no men, but ya'll must be allergic to brass or something, because I'm out here looking like Hodor all day and night. Do I look like a professional doorman? Maybe I do, but am I being paid? I should be.
Then, to add insult to injury, I'm expected to pull the chair out for a date at the table? This is starting to sound like slave labor, so maybe we need to work out a tipping system. I'm just kidding, that's included in the wage gap.
(The heading to this tip was a “Lions, tigers, and bears, oh my!” reference and I'm not sure how it fits into this listicle.)
The Pickle Jar
I opened that pickle jar for you once, Candace, remember that? If it wasn't for guys like me, jars would just be decorations on girls' shelves. Realistically, they'd need to smash the jar and sift the glass out to salvage anything that was contained within. I don't think it's a big stretch for me to say that women would starve without their male counterparts.
We Listen to Your Whining
“Why don't you ever listen to me? Why are you always blogging? Stop saying 'suh dude', it wasn't funny to begin with. Can you please stop writing everything I'm saying? You're just like your father.”
Nag, nag, nag, that's all you ladies ever do. To be honest, I think that this issue alone is enough to compensate for the wage gap. I've gotten very good at tuning this type of thing out. So good, in fact, that I've successfully used that skill to make the love of my life leave me for not paying attention to her enough. I hope you're reading this, Candace. I hope your reading this and regret the instant you took what we had and tore it to pieces. You tore my HEART in two, but that's okay, I'm a male and stats say I'll make more money. And I'm not like my father, Candace, I'm nothing like him, take it back!!!!!!
Paying for Dinner, Totally Not in an Attempt to Try and Sleep with Women
Sources say that men paying for dinner is one of the biggest contributors to the wage gap. I'd provide the source, but sources say that Nicholas Matsis doesn't like providing sources unless he's citing his own quotes (https://www.theodysseyonline.com/7-reasons-for-the-wage-gap?ref=fb). The status quo says that we pay for dinner or else we are not considered gentleman. Furthermore, we definitely do not shell out meal money because we think we'll get brownie points to be used in an attempt to sleep with our dates. I can't believe you would even consider that. Sources say that thought has never crossed a man's mind in the history of dinner dates. Regardless of the motive for buying dinner, it costs us enough to attribute to the wage gap. And God forbid we go Dutch. Oh, and speaking of God.
Women Created Sin
I’m looking at you, Eve. You just had to eat that apple, and now look at the world we live in. I can't even have a casino/strip club night unless its a casino/strip club/church confessional visit to atone for my sins. If I'm going to hell, it's because of the original female.. As Daniel Tosh once said, “Ladies, do you have to eat everything?”
Brad Pitt, Ryan Reynolds, Chris Pratt, and Tom Brady Exist
I mean, c’mon, you're welcome.
So, that's it. Now you know the real reasons for the wage gap and can stop nagging about it. Let me know if there's anything else I can mansplain to you, like how to use a hammer. I'm totally not trying to compensate for the fact that I feel threatened by powerful women and women in general.
