The phrase, "I'm sorry", could most likely work as my life long catchphrase. I have had numerous people in my life hate this phrase, becoming annoyed by a list of reasons: "it's not your fault", "you didn't do anything wrong", it's nothing to be sorry about", or "if you were really sorry, you wouldn't let it happen again". I wish I could tell you that I miraculously cured my habit, but I'm sorry, I think apologizing is just part of who I am..
Allow me to explain: I grew up in a dysfunctional home, which unfortunately seems like something that too many can relate to, and as a result, I learned to feel guilty for the most petty reasons. This led to the habit of apologizing for anything and everything that could be perceived as wrong-- including those things that I didn't understand because I was too young, tasks expected of me that weren't perfect on the first try, and even for being proud of myself, if an accomplishment of mine might make someone else feel inferior. I had always felt that I was being punished as a child, I'm not sure what for-- but in retrospect maybe I could feel that I was a burden to my parents' lifestyle. I always thought that once I was out on my own, it would be easier, but in my twenties, I still feel as if apologizing is my coping mechanism.
Does this coping mechanism make my apologies less sincere? I don't believe they do. Anytime that I apologize, I know what it is I'm apologizing for and if the recipient is willing to listen, I will always explain specifically why I'm sorry, because if I apologize, I have put a lot of thought into it, if my actions seem like they were intentional, my apology is likely for the fact that I unintentionally hurt another as a result.
Maybe this makes no sense to anyone else, but it's something I have been thinking about. I am a mess of contradictions- a perfectionist who sees beauty in everyone's flaws, but her own and it feels like apologizing is the only way I feel like I can be human, but still be in control; it's the only way I can let people know that I am still trying and learning, but I'm a work in progress and as a result, I don't want to hurt anyone else, but it does happen-- directly and indirectly. For that reason I obsess over how I might make someone else feel, or how I've made someone feel. For this reason, I may always unintentionally be an annoyance of apologies, and for that I'm sorry.
