I’m not the smartest person I know. It’s been kind of a crippling realization to come to terms with. Growing up, I was always a straight-A student. I went to an okay elementary school. In middle school, the quality of my education was greatly lacking. It wasn’t challenging me in ways that would have helped my educational growth. My first high school was the same-- less than good. Luckily, I didn’t stay there all four years. My second high school, the one I graduated from, challenged me more, but it also started the realization that my intelligence was average at best. I needed to study and push myself to get good grades. This was when I received my first F on a test. I was crushed, but more than that, I was confused. I had always been the top of my class; I understood everything I was taught and didn’t need to study to get A’s in all my classes. The idea that maybe I’m not quite as smart as I had been led to believe grew into an ongoing internal monologue of self-doubt and criticism.
This self-doubt was only solidified more when I started college. Classes got harder, there was more work, and the people I surrounded myself with were smarter. Compared to them, I felt more than below average. None of them had the intention of making me doubt my intelligence, but that didn't stop it from happening. For instance, my roommate is beyond smart. She is bilingual, clever, well-spoken, and thorough in her thought. While there is no one else I would rather live with, she also makes me feel insecure about my lack of literature knowledge or ability to speak a second language. I know that it is silly to compare myself to others, especially in terms of better or worse, but sometimes you can't help where your mind wanders.
Self-doubt leads to self-destruction, which is why I have not only pushed myself to be better and smarter, but I also have fought to no longer compare myself to others without taking our differences into consideration. We have differing intelligence, but that doesn’t make me unintelligent. I may not be the strongest writer or have the ability to speak a second language, but I am still capable of a lot of things. I have grown as a person, able to better understand my own limits and capabilities, but also learning to accept myself for the person I am, rather than how I compare to others.
My grandfather once told me that he tries to learn at least one new thing each day. Little 10-year-old me thought this was one of the most ridiculous things imaginable. How can you possibly learn something new each day? That’s a lot of learning, and there are only so many things in the world. I was enrolled in public school at the time, and I just assumed he meant that I should pay attention in class every day, so I did. Then I realized that he meant forever, and I was really confused. But now I understand what he meant, and I try to apply this idea to my life. Thinking back, this is one of the best pieces of advice I have ever received. Now I challenge myself to constantly work to better myself and learn something new every day.
