I spent hours trying to decide exactly the right words to write this article. It was hard to put them all together in a way that would make sense for everyone that I knew might read it...

...And I still didn't figure it out. So, I'm going to do the best I can. I don't want to confuse anyone or worry anyone with the words I am about to write. I want to make people aware of the way I've been living my life because I've been keeping it all in for what feels like a hell of a long time, and it's time to let you all know. I think I owe you, my family, and friends that much.

For awhile now I have been struggling. I've been struggling in lots of different ways. I have been struggling financially, emotionally, physically, academically, and in so many other aspects of life for quite a long time. My struggles are hard to explain except that this is what I know: I am happy. But also, I am sad. I don't know why this is or when it began.

I've always been a happy person, always optimistic, and always willing to help make someone else's day better. Always wanting to make someone else's day better. I still am that person in every way. I want to be the light in someone's life, in lots of peoples' lives. I give smiles away and I still laugh so hard I spit my water out sometimes. I'm still the happy soul I've always been. And yet...

I spend much of my alone time feeling down. Not only do I feel sad, but confused and lonely and frustrated. Why? I don't know. I have no idea why I'm depressed. It's heartbreaking not knowing why this is happening, that there are days when I wake up and the whole world is a little more dull than usual. That this has become my reality. For a few years now, this has been my new life.

Like I said, I don't know why I'm sad, so please, don't ask. I have had so many things go so well for me this year, I shouldn't be sad at all, right? I've got the best parents and siblings, amazing nieces and nephews, a great boyfriend, I go to a great college, I've got the best friends, a new car, blah...blah...blah. Yeah, I know that, which is exactly why I didn't write this article long ago. It's exactly why I have such a hard time telling people just how much color has gone from my life. Lots of people fall into a depression when a loved one dies, when they are dealing with a history of abuse, a relationship ends, or other things of the sort, but not me. It just happened. It's exactly why this depression is so damn hard to understand.

To put it statistically, I have a genuinely good day about 90% of the time. I rarely have terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days (if you don't get that reference, look it up). However, there's always a 99% chance that after the day is done, whether it was good or bad, and I'm lying in bed the sadness will come creeping in. It's like all of a sudden I'm sitting there thinking about every sad thing that's ever happened to me in my whole existence and then I'm sad and I can't do much about it but roll over and try to catch some zzz's.

I'm still the happy girl I've always been. I'm the girl who smiles at everyone and waves and says "Hi". To everyone who had no idea, I'm still the same. To me, I am still the same almost all of the time. But if you look at me, I mean really look at me, I think you can see it. I see it when I look in the mirror. This depression has taken the sparkle in my eyes and dimmed it, just a little bit. But I'm still here, and I'm still happy, most of the time. I'm still me, so maybe publishing this article is the wrong choice because maybe you'll think differently of me, but I don't want you to. I want you to see me as you've always seen me, as the happy, upbeat girl I've always been.

Here's the deal with this article: Please, please, please don't message me and ask me if I'm okay after reading. The answer to the question is yes. Yes, I'm okay and I'm always going to be okay. Really, I am. I didn't write this article to scare anyone, I wrote it to let everyone in on my life. Or maybe it was to get something off my chest? Or was it that I thought if I wrote about it, I could understand it better? It was probably all of the above.

Whatever the reason, I wrote it. I'm about to push the publish button, and I'm scared. I'm scared that this will make everyone worry about me because there is a myth about depression that everyone who is depressed wants to die. That is the furthest thing from true for me. I don't want death, I don't want it at all. I'm going to live a beautiful and full life. I just wanted you all to know that there will be days that the sadness could creep into my eyes, and if you see it you shouldn't worry for me. I'm still the same as I've always been.