At the intersection of the end of LSU finals week and the glorious beginning of a hot Louisiana summer, I’ve come to a realization that I just cannot internalize any longer: men should not drink Frappuccinos.
Picture a dark-haired, handsome, 20 year-old guy with a chiseled jawline and perfect scruff sitting at a coffee shop reading the paper. Could it get any better? Yes, it can. And it does when he picks up his wide-rimmed glasses and puts them on to look at the chalkboard menu. All of a sudden, the world spins backwards. Day becomes night. Everything you have ever learned in life becomes a lie. He does the unthinkable. He orders a vanilla bean Frappuccino. Could it get any worse? Yes. Extra whipped cream.
As the barista hands him his cop-out
coffee, he suddenly becomes significantly less attractive. Why? Because
respectable men drink their coffee black. This act subtly whispers, “Look at
me! I’m mature and established. Let me take you to a nice dinner and order your
meal for you in French.”
The further you venture from black coffee, the less
rugged you become. Allow me to clarify that it’s not
so much the actual Frappuccino that I don’t like. It’s the principle of it. None of the extreme personalities that girls want (wilderness man, bad boy, sensitive poet or frat star) would not be caught dead ordering such a
girly drink at Starbucks or PJ's.
Simply put, your coffee choice speaks to your
character. I know I’m being a little harsh on
the male species, but I’m just addressing a trend that I’ve seen recently. The
amount of creamers and sugar packets that you add to your coffee is inversely
proportional to your level of maturity. If you want to order a sweet drink,
at least embrace the 50s greaser ‘bad boy’ style and order a milkshake. If you
just cannot contain your craving for a caramel double cookie crunch Frappuccino, eliminate the walk of shame out of coffee shop and use the
drive thru. If all else fails and you just have to go inside to order, please,
for the love of all that is good and holy in this world, tell the barista (and
everyone else) that the frozen concoction of cream, sugar and femininity is for your girlfriend – even if you don’t have one.
Photo courtesy of 123rf.com/profile_krayout.
