If you're reading this, you probably know what it's like to fall in love for the first time. You also probably know what it's like to have your heart broken for the first time too. And when you're young, it can feel very detrimental, on the verge to pure devastation. You don't have to explain it to me because I understand. Falling in love for the first time is one of the most exciting and exhilarating things in the world. I can't really describe it because it's one of those instances that only you can experience to truly understand it. It's such a specific thrill. What's intense and special about falling in love for the first time is enduring these things for yourself; not on TV, not in the movies, not something you read about. When you feel it for the first time, you almost tell yourself that you will never feel something that magical ever again. And that's what I'm talking about.
When I fell in love for the first time, I also had my heart broken by that same person. It was my first real heartbreak; the first time that I felt like I literally couldn't breathe, or there was no hope at the end of the tunnel. Ultimately, everything felt bleak. I'm not saying this so I can write a depressing article or to ask for your pity. In fact, I know I have moved on over the past couple years and accepted the fact that I have begun a new chapter, and this is the strongest that I have ever been. Being sad and heartbroken doesn't scare me anymore, because I've been through it and ripped it off like a band-aid. No, that doesn't get to me. What truly frightens me these days is the concept of not falling in love again. I'm so afraid that I won't have what I had with him - that for some strange reason, all of the emotions, experiences, and memories that were shared with this first will never be had again. It's almost as if my heart ran it's course of feeling something so real for someone - all of the heartache, the bliss, the euphoria, the anger - and then decided to shut off for some reason. I know that's not true and my thoughts are irrational, but I can't help but obtain this lingering feeling that this person took something away from me when he walked out the door two years ago: my faith.
I want to fall in love again. I'm not objected to it in the least bit. I'm one of the most romantic people I know. But I can't help but feel like my outlook on love and being together with someone has been tainted in a way. There have been moments where I feel my heart sink and I anxiously tell myself that I am broken and that there is something wrong with me, all because I believe I won't fall in love again, or that I haven't felt that spark. Then I remember that I am not being patient with myself, with life, and with fate. Just because I don't have it now doesn't mean that I never will be. And I can't keep comparing every person I meet to the first person I fell in love with. It just doesn't work that way. Maybe that's because I really am such a romantic, and I want to delve back into that elation. I don't want him to make me believe that there is something wrong with me, because there isn't. Not at all. But it's a work in progress.
I just know that something is missing, and I want to get it back. I don't intentionally tell myself these things, they just happen out of nowhere, randomly. I hope that someday, I'll feel something amazing with someone. I know that it's going to happen one day, because that's one of the things I truly want in my life - to share it with someone. To go on adventures with someone. I can't keep blaming how I feel on one person who made me feel on top of the world for the first time, because that's irrelevant now. It's normal to compare your first with someone new, but you can't let the past define your future. I need to remember these things.