For The Love Of Stephen King, Read 'The Stand'

For The Love Of Stephen King, Read 'The Stand'

Come on, I'm begging you.
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My favorite Stephen King books are, unfortunately, some of the longest Stephen King books in existence. I have been trying without success for literal years to talk my friends and family into reading them, it has not worked.

No matter how much I’ve talked up the benefits of being literate in some of the greatest horror, sci-fi, and fantasy novels of our (and potentially all) time, I’ve had exactly two takers, one of whom read a short book and the other of whom borrowed my copy of "IT" and is still in the process of reading it. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m being too broad with my suggestions. I need to narrow it down from a handful of enormous books to one and in my effort to convince you all to read Stephen King,

I’ve chosen the big daddy of Stephen King novels: "The Stand."

The unabridged version, because we aren’t quitters. Right?

"The Stand" clocks in around a thousand pages. Since Stephen King books are often in trade-paperback form, that works out to create a book that’s roughly the size and shape of a brick. I could kill someone with my copy of "The Stand." There’s a benefit right there, for those of you on the fence about it: In a pinch, your copy of the book can be used for self-defense. If that’s not enough to sell you on it, you can, with some work, create a fake cover for your book and go read it out in public to convince strangers that you’re a literary, erudite individual.

Still not convinced? I can tell you that "The Stand" revamped and redefined the apocalypse genre, to the point where almost any disease apocalypse movie after 1990 can find its roots in the book's voluminous pages. Fans of the apocalypse genre, fans of "I Am Legend," and anybody who knows just a little too much about Ebola will find something to like.

It’s also worth pointing out that "The Stand" was so popular in its original, abridged version that Stephen King eventually released the unabridged version which is, as you might imagine, even longer than the original. That means that thousands, dare I say millions, of people, made it through this intimidatingly large book and wanted more. If they can do it, so can you!

There is something in this book for everyone. Religious allegory? Check. Apocalypse? Check. Romance, both supernatural and otherwise? Check. Dueling utopian and dystopian societies? Check.

It’s ridiculously long, but in my opinion, it’s worth every page. To my friends and family: you all should listen to me at long last and read it so I can finally talk with you about it instead of glaring balefully at you when you don’t get my references.

Everybody else: read it and enjoy it so we can finally get that movie they’ve been talking about forever.

After all, what do you have to lose? Even if you don’t enjoy the book, you can still get bragging rights for having finished it.

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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35 Major Life Facts According To Nick Miller

"All booze is good booze, unless it's weak booze."
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Fact: If you watch "New Girl," you love Nick Miller.

You can't help it. He's an adorable, lovable mess of a man and you look forward to seeing him and his shenanigans each week. While living the infamous and incomparable life of Nick Miller, and obviously Julius Pepperwood— he has learned many valuable laws of the land. And, although Nick refuses to learn anything from anyone besides his mysterious, old Asian friend Tran, he does have a few lessons he'd like to teach us.

Here are 35 facts of life according to 'Nick Milla Nick Milla':

1. Drinking keeps you healthy.

"I'm not gonna get sick. No germ can live in a body that is 65% beer."

2. Dinosaurs never existed.

"I don't believe dinosaurs existed. I've seen the science. I don't believe it."


3. A paper bag is a bank.

"A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls."


4. Having sex is similar to delivering mail.

"I'm like a mailman, except instead of mail it's hot sex that I deliver."

5. Moonwalking is a foolproof way to get out of any awkward situation.

Jess (about Nick): "Now he won't even talk to me. I saw him this morning and he just panic moonwalked away from me. He does that sometimes."

6. Using a movie reference is also a great way.

Cece: "Come on, get up!"

Nick: "No, I don't dance. I'm from that town in "Footloose."

7. There's no reason to wash towels.

Nick: "I don’t wash the towel. The towel washes me. Who washes a towel?"

Schmidt: "You never wash your towel?"

Nick: "What am I gonna do? Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap?"

8. Exes are meant to be avoided at all costs (especially if/unless they're Caroline)

"I don't deal with exes, they're part of the past. You burn them swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon."

9. IKEA furniture is not as intimidating as it looks.

"I'm building you the dresser. I love this stuff. It's like high-stakes LEGOs."

10. You don't need forks if you have hands.

Jess: "That's gross. Get a fork, man."

Nick: "I got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms!"

11. Sex has a very specific definition.


"It's not sex until you put the straw in the coconut."

12. Doors are frustrating.

"I will push if I want to push! Come on! I hate doors!"

13. All booze is good booze.

"Can I get an alcohol?"

14. ...unless it's weak booze.

"Schmidt, that is melon flavored liquor! That is 4-proof! That is safe to drink while you're pregnant!"

15. Writers are like pregnant women.

Jess: "You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus."

Nick: "I can top that easily. I'm having a hard time with my zombie novel."

Jess: "Are you really comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?"

Nick: "I'm a writer, Jess. We create life."

16. All bets must be honored.

"There is something serious I have to tell you about the future. The name of my first-born child needs to be Reginald VelJohnson. I lost a bet to Schmidt."

17. Adele's voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.

"Adele is amazing."

18. Beyoncé is extremely trustworthy.

"I'd trust Beyoncé with my life. We be all night."

19. Fish, on the other hand, are not.


“Absolutely not. You know I don’t trust fish! They breathe water. That's crazy!"

20. Bar mitzvahs are terrifying.

Schmidt: "It's a bar mitzvah!"

Nick: "I am NOT watching a kid get circumcised!"

21. ...so are blueberries.

Jess: "So far, Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships..."

Nick: "And blueberries."

22. Take your time with difficult decisions. Don't be rash.


Jess: "You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?"

Nick: "You're putting me in a tough spot!"

23. Getting into shape is not easy.

"I mean, I’m not doing squats or anything. I’m trying to eat less donuts."

24. We aren't meant to talk about our feelings.

"If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called talkings."


25. We're all a little bit too hard on ourselves.

"The enemy is the inner me."

26. Freezing your underwear is a good way to cool off.


"Trust me, I'm wearing frozen underpants right now and I feel amazing. I'm gonna grab some old underpants and put a pair into the freezer for each of you."

27. Public nudity is normal.

"Everbody has been flashed countless times."

28. Alcohol is a cure-all.


"You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol."

29. Horses are aliens.

"I believe horses are from outer-space."


30. Turtles should actually be called 'shell-beavers.'

Jess: "He calls turtles 'shell-beavers."

Nick: "Well, that's what they should be called."

31. Trench coats are hot.


"This coat has clean lines and pockets that don't quit, and it has room for your hips. And, when I wear it, I feel hot to trot!"


32. Sparkles are too.

"Now, my final bit of advice, and don't get sensitive on this, but you've got to change that top it's terrible and you've got to throw sparkles on. Sparkles are in. SPARKLES ARE IN."

33. Introspection can lead to a deeper knowing of oneself.

"I'm not convinced I know how to read. I've just memorized a lot of words."


34. It's important to live in the moment.

"I know this isn't gonna end well but the middle part is gonna be awesome."


35. Drinking makes you cooler.

Jess: "Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing."

Nick: "That's the only thing in the world I know to be true."

Cover Image Credit: Hollywood Reporter

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