I was so excited for high school. I was ecstatic to play field hockey and hopefully make the varsity team. I was so excited to experience it with the friends I had. I was excited for homecoming and football games. There was so much to be excited for, I thought. A lot of these things happened, but not the way I imagined it or wanted it to happen. Before I start, I just want to say that this is not meant to offend anyone or to make myself out to look like a victim. I am telling MY experience in complete honesty. There are going to be a lot of things I don't discuss because I do not want to exploit anyone too obviously. Everyone makes mistakes and I understand that. My intention is not to make any one feel bad or upset. I am by no means implying that I was perfect in any given situation. I want to encourage people with similar experiences to be honest with themselves about how their experience has impacted them today. I hope it can inspire people as well, and hopefully help people understand me more.

The first month or two of high school was great as a freshman, until a junior reached out to me. That junior happened to be someone with a nearby friend group of girls. One of the girls in that group was on and off with him, and every time I interacted with him, I was informed they were off. So to fast forward, I eventually lost my virginity to this junior. Boy was that as much of a mistake as any parent would say. That same night, I told my mother who I trusted, and my best friend at the time. I told them the details of how much I regretted it. Turned out, my best friend went to a party where that same group of girls was at, and told them, everything. And I mean every detail. Shortly later I received a phone call, telling me I was a whore and I was going to regret that the second I got to school that week. Mind you, a few of these girls were on my field hockey team. I immediately knew who said something. I was so hurt. The first true betrayal I had ever felt from a friend. Not only was I dealing with that, but school became my least favorite place on the planet really quick. I remember one day getting called down to the guidance counselors office and walking into a tiny conference room with all of those girls right in front of me and a guidance counselor. The guidance counselor did not know the seriousness of the situation until after the meeting. She was expected a good conversation to be the outcome. But I got ripped a NEW one. Each girl had their own personal opinion of me, one after one telling me I'm a slut, everyone is going to hate me, getting in my face telling me I'm a dumb b*tch. I still had a back bone and stuck up for myself as much as I could in a 8 vs 1 situation. Skipping ahead, I continued to get bullied, not only by them but by anyone at that point. People who had never took the time to speak to me before, people I considered friends. I made dumb choices, I continued to talk to this boy after all of the drama it caused me, which played a role in the continuation of the bullying. Some of the things that were said to me I will never forget and by who they were said. The worst thing said to me was probably someone telling me to kill myself. I have never thought about doing that or hurting myself, but what makes me sick looking back is that there are people that would and have over words like that. I am grateful that I never considered that an option for myself. I ended up getting into a physical altercation with an older girl in school, although it was a poor decision, I was hoping the outcome would end up being that I got left alone since ignoring was not working. That too was something that did not work. Many people knew about this fight and that it was supposed to happen, except me. Apparently even the school knew, yet this girl still pulled my arm into a large crowd of people (waiting for it to happen) asking me if she would hit me if I would hit back. I said " I am not going to start the fight but I will defend myself." And she went for it! So many people watched, and I know because a lot of them wanted to see me lose. They wanted to see me publicly humiliated. It took minutes for one of the students watching to finally stop it. I remember one of those girls in that group saying to me "I was hoping to see you get your ass beat, but good job." I never was fully sure if that was supposed to be a compliment or not. At this point, I ended up intentionally making poor choices for myself, knowing I was raised to know better, and that I did know better. I felt so low about myself, I actually believed the nasty things said about me from the mouths of those who had never spoken to me. I started to hang around people who were not the best for me. I was disappointing a lot of the people who loved me, which made me feel even worse. I became depressed. I would not want to play in my field hockey games, which says a lot to me now because that was the very ONE thing I had and loved in my life. It was my outlet. My teammates were always incredibly supportive of me and to know I disappointed them was also very hard for me. At this point I started taking depression and anxiety medications, and for the life of me I will never do that again. Those types of medications are NOT for me. School just got harder. I felt I had no true friends, I had to have my own back. My friends became embarrassed to be associated with me. I would actually skip lunch sometimes. I felt there was no one I could sit with that was my friend. I would go to the library and do school work. One thing I must say is that despite all of the things that happened to me at school, I always walked in those doors and showed up.

I think a lot of people expected me to crash and fall, rightfully so. I definitely crashed multiple times, but I never fell. Without realizing it until later in life, I had chosen to make that experience a learning lesson and allowed it to shape me into who I am. I learned to defend myself, to be vocal about how I feel, and mostly to be strong. The greatest lessons I learned from this entire experience is to treat people how you want to be treated, to hang around people who I considered to be better than me, and that you become who you surround yourself with. These lessons I carry with me to this day. I can't look back and say I wish this wasn't my experience as much as I want to. I have to look back and say I would not be me if even one thing was different than it played out. I would not be where I am. If it takes going through hell to learn and become wiser, where's round 2? I want to be the best version of myself. I want to spend a lifetime learning more about myself. This experience was the beginning piece to who I am. It played a crucial role in who I am today. I have changed so much. I have a lot to work on about myself still, but I am just so happy and proud of how I turned out and decided to turn my life around. There is hope, and there is ALWAYS room for change. I know there are people who have experienced much worse than this, and I want them to know that their life is worth fighting for. There IS a light at the end to the tunnel even though you're probably sick of hearing that. If you truly believe in yourself, even slightly, you'll get there. Remember how low I said I felt? Some part of me, deep deep down, knew who I was and believed that the way I was living was not the way I was meant to live. Always have faith in who you are and never tell yourself you can't.