Yesterday I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed, which wasn't exactly the highlight of my week.
Since I had never had teeth removed before, I didn't know the drill, but my dentist was super easy-going and made me feel less nervous.
After the procedure was over, I was loopy, nauseous and in a lot of pain. My entire mouth tasted like blood, and I swelled up like a balloon.
I wouldn't be able to eat solid food or work out for about a week after the procedure. I would be confined to my bed watching Netflix and eating mashed potatoes all day.
Did I mention I had this procedure done during Spring Break?
That's right, instead of "Marching" into a week of relaxation and preparing for my upcoming comedy gig, I "Marched" into the dentist's office to have teeth drilled out of my head.
If only he'd been able to do the same with my bad ideas!
Let me tell you, there are many other unpleasant things I'd rather do than have mouth surgery during my only week of peace since May.
Allow me to list them for you!
1. Walk on a bed of Legos.
After that we'll be (le)going to the hospital!
2. Get back in contact with any of my exes.
I don't find it coincidental that the letter "x" is right next to the letter "y", as in "why did I ever date you?"
3. Go an entire week without Chick-Fil-A.
I can barely go a day without Chick Fil A, so that's saying something!
4. Be Trina Vega's little sister.
You might be crazy, but have I told you lately, you're annoying! You're the only thing that's worse than having teeth removed!
5. Leave my work folder in a foreign state.
Oh wait, I actually did that. Clumsy me!
6. Start my period during a job interview.
Oh wait, I did that too! Clumsy you(terus)!
7. Give up Netflix for a year.
How would I live with myself if I wasn't dancing along to Abuelita's morning jams, fan-girling over Elena and her Syd-nificant other and yelling, "Dale, Papito, dale!" in the middle of Walmart?
8. Go back to work at one of my old customer service jobs.
Until you've been responsible for working the entire store by yourself including waiting 7 tables, taking care of all the to-go orders with a line out the door, cleaning your workstation and bussing tables for the next round of customers while being nagged by your unhelpful bosses about the fridge needing to be restocked, you don't know frustration!
9. Work under Mr. Krabs management.
We get it, you crusty crustacean. You have no regard for the exploited working class, and you'll do anything to make a quick buck. We get it.
10. Have Sheldon Cooper as my therapist.
Dude, stick to protons. People aren't your area of expertise.
11. Be in the same room as Lil Xan
At least I can get him to go away by sending him a fake meme!
12. Listen to Brittney and Ashley talk about how cute Chad is during a lecture.
Will someone get Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Daddy's Credit Card to be quiet, I'm trying to learn about relationship communication patterns!
13. Get hit on by Chad from Racist Apple Pi.
Dude, you'd have better luck with Tweedle Daddy's Credit Card. At least you won't have to pay for the meal, and you can save up for more beer!
I hope you were able to extract a few laughs from this listicle just like my dentist extracted my wisdom teeth!