Ever wander into a new part of campus, maybe you’re a freshman and everything is new, maybe it’s just a building you’ve never been in before, walked into the bathrooms, and thought, “Wow this is gross I wish someone would’ve warned me I would’ve gone in my dorm”? Or, alternatively, “These bathrooms are so nice, I wish I could’ve known about them earlier!” If you’re partly mysophobic (or really mysophobic) like me, you may think either of these thoughts a lot. This is where my bathroom rating system comes in, for which I will use my own University of Maine at Farmington as the test model.

The system:

1 - The lowest tier - Multiple stall bathrooms with old or World Dryer™ brand hand dryers

2 - Multiple stall bathrooms with new or Excel™ brand hand dryers

3 - Multiple stall bathrooms with paper towels

4 - Single user bathrooms with old or World Dryer ™ brand hand dryers

5 - Single user bathrooms with new of Excel ™ brand hand dryers

6 - The highest tier - Single user bathrooms with paper towels

Extra conditions: +.5 for consistently cleaner than normal; +.5 for occasional free pads/tampons; +.5 for having both paper towels and hand dryers (either kind); -.5 for consistently dirtier than normal; -.5 for being in an awkward place.

This is, of course subjective, as I prefer paper towels (they feel cleaner to me) and single users, but this is the basic system. Now for some examples, for which I will reference this map:

All the most-used/most commonly passed by bathrooms are 1s, including those in the Student Center (9) and in Roberts (10), except for the gender-neutral bathrooms which get a 3.5 in the Student Center (they constantly smell terrible and might not lock), and 4 in Roberts. But the ones in the library (8) are actually 4s, so if you’re planning on going to the library after lunch or class anyway, hold it until you get to the single users. I’m tempted to give the library bathrooms a 3.5 because they aren’t the cleanest (purely for amount of people that use them) but I think they can remain 4s because they have urinals in them and that’s pretty cool. In contrast to that, the bathrooms in the Fitness & Recreation Center (32) get a .5 because they always smell like gym smell (you know what I’m talking about) and they don’t even have single showers, but a community one. Bad move, FRC, y’all are gross.

The oldest building on campus, Merrill Hall (1), has the greatest diversity in its bathrooms. The most commonly used ones, in the basement, get a 1.5, because they almost always have pads for free on top of the metal dispenser thing. The bathroom behind the stage is a 5.5, because despite the fact that it meets the requirements for a 6, it is in the single most awkward place it could be. It is basically inside a classroom, to the point where I’m 90% sure everyone can hear you go, and everyone in the class watches you when you enter and exit. Not fun. On the top floor of Merrill, hidden in the teacher’s offices, is a level 6 bathroom. The only downside is if you’re tall you might hit your head on the slanted roof.

A lot of the smaller buildings have 6s, like the Honors House (33), and the only place where there’s 5s is in the Ed Center (12). But my favorite bathrooms are actually in the Emery Arts Center (23), and they’re only 3.5s, multiple users with paper towels, but they’re so clean all the time. Probably because no one ever goes in there. Note: the bathrooms in the Alumni Theater (2) get a 1.5 because they have couches and full-length mirrors, so go check that out.

Please feel free to use this system for your own college/school/workplace/etc.! I’m a compulsive explorer as well as a mysophobic, so it’s saved me a lot of headache to be able to be comfortable in various bathrooms across campus (and to know which ones to wipe down with antibacterial wipes before interacting with).

PS: All these reviews were made with knowledge of the women’s and gender neutral bathrooms, not the men’s. I choose to present femininely so I only use the men’s bathroom in emergencies. (Shout out to Hannaford janitors who take too long and every campground I’ve ever been to.) Masculine-presenting people may have different experiences.