This summer was arguably one of the worst times of my life. Though I had everything I worked for, the summer internship and straight A’s in my summer classes weren’t enough to fill my heart.
I wanted to achieve more, do more, and be the “best” at everything. But in the process of doing that, I spiraled into a pit of despair that was full of stress, anxiety, and hopelessness.
That mentality in combination with other events that summer caused me to gain over 15 pounds. And I had no idea until I went to an obligatory doctor’s appointment to get a medical form signed for study abroad.
My doctor and I were astonished. It explained why my acne went out of control, my constant fatigue, the pains in my back, and more. I was so wrapped up in achieving my goals for my career and education, that I completely neglected myself in the process.
But despite the doctor’s words to try and manage my priorities, I kept going. I thought that admitting the physical and mental detriments of my lifestyle would show weakness and that becoming the person I wanted had to come with sacrifices.
And I chose to sacrifice myself for the rest of that summer.
At the end of August, I dropped my life in America and lived in Milan for four months. Away from my rote responsibilities and stresses, I filled my day with exciting activities that I never had time to do in my ordinary schedule in America. I felt like I was discovering parts of myself that I never knew existed, and I started to feel the anxiety and stress melt away.
And shockingly within a few weeks, I started to notice my pants loosen, my skin clear up, and my energy remain constant from morning until evening. My back pain was unnoticeable, and I was blown away by how the changes in my mental health dramatically affected my physical health.
It was then that I realized how important putting myself first is, and that nothing in this world should come before my own health.
In the past, I would seize every opportunity that came my way, even if I wasn’t passionate about it. I would hang out with people I didn’t like, participate in boring events/activities, and always try to please people in hopes that they'd like me. While I seemed accomplished, friendly, and sociable on the outside, the stress of maintaining these obligations was a large part of the reason I damaged my health so rapidly.
And only I noticed and lived the effects of that stress.
This year, I am committed to doing things that make me happy, help me grow, and guide me towards my life’s purpose. I no longer want to do things so I feel validated by those around me, or because I feel a societal pressure to do something that isn’t “me.”
Of course, I’ll always stay curious, helpful, and open-minded, but not at the expense of my long-term health. At the end of the day, no amount of external success will compare to my long-term happiness.
I need to feel connected to myself, and junior year will continue to be my year of self-discovery and self-love.
