To preface this article: April was Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I have been writing with Odyssey for over a year and wrote this article around 8 months ago. After seeing the support in April, I have been comforted and confident in sharing my experience in hopes that others may feel comfortable to seek help and know they are not alone. If you are a survivor, please know you aren't alone and don't have to continue reading.

Hello to the memory I constantly push to the back of my mind, the rape,

It's me. I imagine you thought I would go away and forget about you. Doesn't every person that encounters you want to forget you? You've done things that will become part of me for the rest of my life. You are a memory that will never go away. I can't escape you. I'm stuck being the girl that fell victim to you, no matter if I find myself to be a victim or not. You left a footprint on me that I can't ever erase. I have something to say. You suck.

I never thought you would come into my life. I was the girl that never went to parties, never smoked or drank, and stayed alone in my dorm room most nights. I knew college would be fun, but I didn't want to admit you existed. Does anyone want to admit that 1 in 5 women will fall victim to you, no matter how much they are warned and protected? I had heard the stories of girls that had encountered rape, and I was terrified. That wasn't ever going to be me. I didn't ever want to be put in a position where you would have an option to come into my life. Then, one night, you won.

I never asked for rape to show up. I never "dressed like I was asking for" you to approach me. No one ever will ever ask for you to come into our life. I just wanted to be social with friends one night, and you decided to destroy me. You chose to sneak something into my cup that I had only put down for two seconds thinking I was safe. You completely took advantage of a situation I was oblivious to. You tricked me, and within hours, my memory became a haze that I wouldn't ever recall.

I vividly remember the next morning. It was the terrifying feeling of knowing something had happened to me, but not knowing when and where exactly. I was lost. I had fallen for your plot, rape. You had a whole story planned out and I never knew I was a character in it. I remember not knowing where to go and who to turn to. I remember going to report the incident and choosing to never report where it happened or taking further action. I didn’t want people to know or have my “friends” get in trouble.

How was I supposed to tell my family that something I never wanted to happen happened? Due to my own carelessness? How would my friends feel knowing something unsafe happened in a place they went to every single weekend? How was I supposed to explain to my brother that not all guys are as polite? What was I supposed to tell my next boyfriend that wanted to be romantic with me? How was I supposed to handle anything after something so terrifying happened?

I wasn't a victim by choice, and I refused to be one for quite some time. I told no one. Until I couldn't hold it in any longer. I broke. I cracked. I escaped my school and came up with lies anytime anyone asked why I was leaving. What do you tell someone when they are so confused why you are leaving somewhere that made you so happy? It isn't casual to say you were taken advantage of, and not in a mental way.

I realized that I am a victim, and that is okay. I have a story to prevent others from ever having to encounter you. Rape changed me, and not for the better. Rape changed me to be more cautious around every single person I’m around. But, you changed me to stand up for myself. I am not thankful for you. Rape ruined so many months, as I held something from everyone. I continue to struggle and open up about you. But, you are something that every single person should be aware of. Rape is something that can be prevented. Rape won't ever be a joke. Rape isn't some make-believe villain. Rape is the actual real deal. Rape is something others should look out for; men and women included.

Sincerely,

The woman that is going to make sure you are avoided, at all costs.

Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area. How does it work? When you call 800.656.HOPE (4673), you'll be routed to a local RAINN affiliate organization based on the first six digits of your phone number.