It's been one hell of a ride. Honestly. It's been rough. I'm lost, scattered, and I have no idea exactly what I'm doing; but I'm okay. No, really! I am!

I lost my husband, I lost my family, I lost my best friend, I lost my entire life.

It was honestly the biggest WTF moment of my entire adult life. What can I even say? Here I was thinking that everything was okay. Boy did I have my head stuck in the sand! We've got a 3 year old and a 6 month old, and he's not happy. Shit, man! The only happiness I have is you! And now you tell me you don't like me?! F*cking really?! After almost 12 years, in just a snap, without warning, there's no fixing it.

The world shook. I swear it did. Or maybe it was just my world that shook. Everything I was or had ever dreamed, all that I had put in and sacrificed just shattered all at once. I did the typical, begging and pleading, name calling and guilting trying to get him to come back. I even did the atypical and accepted all the blame. I tried every single thing my broken self could think of to make him love me again. He came back a few times, to ease my broken heart. But we both knew he wasn't where he wanted to be. He couldn't be in the same place as me anymore, still can't.

Then came death.

I wanted to, almost did. But I know better, nothing will EVER make me leave all my pain behind for the people I love. Knowing this about myself, I found help. I was still convinced that every single bit of this tragedy was my fault, despite the masses of people ensuring me I'd done absolutely nothing wrong. I felt like nothing, no one. I was no good to my children. I could barely function, much less take good care of them. I'd given my heart and all I had to a man who couldn't even look at me anymore. I didn't want to breathe, I didn't want to move.

I was depressed in a major way. Almost got committed that first day in therapy. I didn't know what I was going to do or say when I walked in that waiting room, balling my eyes out, almost incomprehensible. I just said, "I need help". I sat down with the therapist, and she was barely able to ask me "why are you here today?" before everything came spilling out. And I mean everything. Not just this recent tragedy, but nearly every soul crushing, life altering, significant event and relationship in my life came pouring out. It was like someone had taken a machete to the side of a inflatable pool, I was drained and unfixable.

Hope

There's a disconnect between your brain and your body. That's the most significant phrase that I remember from that day. Apparently, I'm not this lifeless, blank zombie that I had been most of my adult life. I needed medical help, medical treatment and I was going to be okay. See , my brain, my mind wanted so badly to do things, to be. But, my body just wouldn't respond, and my anxiety made me doubt every instinct I had. The therapist let me believe I was getting help so that he'd come back home; but she knew that in that moment, that's what I needed to believe. I'm eternally grateful for that woman, on that day, for saving my life and for helping me get my soul back.

Antidepressants, Anxiety Meds, Amphetamine, and Anti-Seizure meds. Sounds like a lot, doesn't it? See, not only was I having issues now, but I should have been on meds my entire life. Imagine how mad I was at the doctors that I begged for help in the past who told me to "get a dog and take it for walks" or "get more sunshine". But I was getting my mind right. I was coming back. And not just the me before he left, but the teenage me.

But he still didn't want me. And eventually that was okay. I began thinking clearly, understanding that I am worth so much more than what I'd been allowing my entire life. I deserved more than what I was accepting, for love. I deserved more love, more passion, more consideration, more respect, much much more than I'd been accepting from the people I love. And when it comes to the MAN I love, I deserve to be #1. Not an option, not your backup. I deserve priority. I deserve to be respected. I began to understand that neither one of us had to have done anything wrong for us to fall apart. We just didn't make each other happy. And whether I find happy or not, I loved him enough that HE deserved happy.

I lost 70 pounds. I moved on, and I still am. Despite what we were before, there's no way to go back. Too much has happened, too much has been made known. There's just too much. Do I still love him? Absof*ckinglutely! But could we make it now? No. That's why there's a divorce in the works. It's over, and that's okay.

I'll admit, I don't really know what happy looks like; so I don't know if I'll ever be happy. Maybe one day it'll just creep in on me and I'll be like, "Wow! So this is it?!" I thought I was happy, with him. But unconditionally loving someone can cause you to lose yourself. The love was so strong it was blinding. But I'm not blind anymore. Never again.

It's been a hell of a ride so far. I've done some crazy things when my mind goes to spinning. I'm still not quite right. I've had some fun, I've made some bad decisions, I've made some friends and I've made some enemies. But it's all a journey. One I'm heartbroken and glad to have experienced. Him and I, we're okay. There's bumps and hurt feelings, but in a way he's still my best friend. That's the way it should be; not for us, but for our babies.

I've been lacking on my meds for a bit now, so my head's all over the place most days. Despite that, the lessons I've learned and the growth I've experienced haven't gone away. I haven't fallen back into sadness, I'm still just as awesome and worthy as I know I am! But for now, my mind stays scattered in a million places, never able to focus on the things that need to be done. Never fully completing anything to my own satisfaction. And I catch myself stuck in my own head. Thankfully I've got 2 friends who know how to pull me out of there, and I talk to them daily.

Is it over yet?

I started typing this, for reasons I don't even know. Sometimes the urge to let words flow hits me and most times I fight it, but tonight that didn't happen. Tonight, instead of compulsively cleaning everything in sight, I'm writing this.

I figure I'm writing this because I'm struggling just a bit and it'll help to get it out. As I'm trying to end this, my mind is running through all the things I wanted to put in here but got carried away and forgot to include. But here most of it is, laid out in it's simplest form. There's sooooo many more things that were passed over:

The Girlfriend (they were together the minute he left my house 🤔), birthday parties, I had sex with someone other than him for the first time in almost 12 years, there's so many secrets and experiences I'll hold onto, friends (some of which I could write a whole book about), and I actually have a guy who is my friend (he's my guy, but we're not official). There's sooo much more.

But life is nuts, and I'm doing all I can to make it; and to live every day trying to be happy for me and our kids. Thanks for reading!

-Chicken Fried Steak & Chocolate Chip-

Much love to you all!

👸🏼 out!