As most of us know, the quarter system sucks. It’s awful.  With 70% of schools on semester, it is highly likely that you are one of the only ones left, if not the only one left, at home while everyone else is making raspberry Jello shots and thumbing through their syllabi at school.  What I present for you today is a comprehensive guide to why exactly the quarter system is the worst, most crippling institutionalized torture device ever created by the higher learned individuals and a break down week by week, of what you can expect, from tears to tequila. 

Week 1 Fresh off a break, you feel on fire.  Motivated to learn, motivated to take notes, motivated for office hours.  Freshly sharpened pencils bounce around in your backpack as your walk to class with a chipper pep in your step similar to a new first grader.  You’re pumped.  Syllabi get passed around, thumbed through, looked over and your class ends after only 10 minutes.  You crack open a shiny new six-pack and walk to the beach with your friends.  “This is going to be the best quarter yet!” you think to yourself.  Just wait.  Juuuuuuust wait.

Weeks 2-3

This time is crucial for many a student, and the vast majority of us don’t utilize it.  Often times, although early, these weeks make or break a student in a course because the next 7 weeks fly by so quick that it’ll be finals week before you can even settle in.  While the workload is still relatively easy, responsible students would put down the Corona Extra and tanning oil and do the assigned reading so they can be ahead of the game.  But of course, we aren’t those students.  So these two weeks fly by with ease, but like a nasty toothache, it will only continue to get worse.

Week 4

Although it seems a bit inhumane, there on your syllabi you see the midterm that you convince yourself must be a typo but isn’t.  What have we learned in 4 weeks of class you think?  Well dear reader, the rest of your class has learned a lot about the various works of Middle Aged Chinese Art.  You’ve learned how many beers you can chug in an hour.  Priorities.  Time to order an iced vanilla latte with 3 extra shots and play catch up. Or try anyway.

Weeks 5-7 Midterms.  Espresso.  Many tears shed and you’re starting to develop carpal tunnel from typing with such ferocity. You’re starting to feel like the soldiers in World War 2, as this period in the quarter seems to drag on forever, and you’ve stretched resources to the very limit.  They used leaves for blankets and ate feral squirrels but as you’re coming to your 7^th

hour in the lib with a limited snack supply and no source of caffeine, it feels as if you’re a general stalking the Normandy beaches on D-Day.  Starting to regret Weeks 2-3?  You should be.

Weeks 8-9 This is that awkward time in the quarter where some unfortunate humans still have midterms, and there is a sinking feeling within all of us that our impending doom is inevitable with finals only a week or two away.  We try to convince ourselves that they are far enough away to where we can fit in a game of beach volleyball or 5 tequila shots. We’re very persuasive when we need to be.  We also regret this immediately. But the damage is done. “I’ll study in the morning”, you say. But you won’t. You never do.

Week 10 The amount of Tylenol you are taking coupled with your 

caffeine intake isn’t healthy for any human being, and you would be worried about your health if you weren’t so worried about what you learned (or didn’t learn) in Econ 10A. This is around the time where bad things happen to you coincidentally, like your car getting towed or your computer breaking down.  Really, world?  My life was hard enough without me having to lose my bike key.  It would help if you had some nutritious food but you’re on a strict diet of chocolate muffins from the University Center, Hot Cheetos, and Berry flavored 5 Hour Energy.  The last one isn’t a food but it’s loosely in the fruit category, so you count it. 

Week 11 The horrors are unexplainable so I don’t think I’ll try. But somehow, at the end of the week, you’ve made it through with no money, no patience, no sleep, and only a shred of your dignity.  Which reminds you that you should apologize to the girl you got in a fist fight with over the prime study spot in the lib. You pack up for break, drink to commemorate the fallen soldiers and your grades, and gear up for the next 11 weeks of misery.