In the past two years, I've been surrounded by a lot of death and illness in general. My grandmother died, my father has been in and out of the hospital and my great uncle just passed. After attending my grandma's funeral, I remembered just how terrible funerals are. Not just for the expected reasons, like the fact that your loved one is dead, never coming back, and oh God, you never got to say a real goodbye, why is life so cruel. But I digress. Funerals are dull.
I know that's kind of the point, but why can't we celebrate the lives of our loved ones instead of crying about their deaths? Why is everyone wearing all black when it's the middle of summer and 98 degrees out? Why do people have to look at a dead body sitting in an expensive box that's about to be put in the ground? (Seriously, though, caskets are so expensive like, I'm pretty my uncle's casket cost more than my tuition.)
I want to make sure my death and funeral turn out as amazing as I was. Call it cliché, but I've been planning my funeral since I was a little girl. Listed below are instructions for mourning, things I want done to my body and some soft plans for my funeral.
Step One: How To Properly Mourn Becca Twiggs
I will allow one week for tears. Then get back out there and have some fun. Take whatever money I had in my bank account (which is probably not much, let's be honest) and go on a trip. If you really want to go all out, freeze my body as soon as I die so you can take me on the trip. Reenact "Weekend At Bernie's" if you want. Or find something else fun to do.
Here's an idea:
Did you know that if your loved one dies at Disney World, you can get free passes for life? I'm not saying you should do this, but you could probably find a way to sneak my body on park then re-stage my death. Just a thought.
As far as my possessions go, everything is up for grabs. I have a plethora of costumes, masks, stuffed animals, doodles, none of which are worth anything. So just take what you want.
Step Two: What To Do with The Body
DON'T BURY ME. I REPEAT: DO NOT BURY ME. The ground is for worms and sticks, not Twiggs. If I somehow end up in the ground I will come back as a zombie and kill everyone involved in that decision.
Hopefully you can find a taxidermy place that will do humans. If not, I'll settle for being cremated. My soul is most likely going to burn in hell, so my body might as well follow suit.
And think of all the fun places you can sprinkle my ashes!
Some examples:
- Haunted Mansion at Disney World (see Step One for instructions on how to get free passes)
- Any of my previous places of employment
- On a plate of brownies (say the brownies were made from an old recipe of mine and that I really put my blood, sweat and tears into it)
- Wal-Mart
Feel free to add to the list. Dead me is very flexible.
Step Three: The Funeral
No black. I want fun, bright colors. And glitter. So much glitter. When people arrive at this funeral, I want them to immediately be overwhelmed with joy. This is about celebrating my life. So far, the song list consists of "Another One Bites The Dust" and "Highway to Hell." Feel free to add to the list. Hopefully there will be karaoke.
If so inclined, all my friends can say that they were my lover in order to freak out some relatives. As stated before, caskets are too expensive. Since I will not be buried, take the money that would have been spent on a casket and get an open bar. Make sure there's good food. And an ice cream cake.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Overall, I would say that these are all reasonable requests. And if no one follows these instructions, I'll just come back and haunt all of you.
Now that I've wasted an entire morning on this, I'm going to try and be productive. My mom suggested that I could "learn how to process my emotions" instead of "making everything a joke all the time." We'll see how that works out.
