If I asked you, "what comes to mind when you picture a doormat?" I am sure that most of you would say, "my front door" or "that overpriced decorative thing I just HAD to buy." If you asked me the same question, my response would be, "myself." Some of you may find that hard to understand but to me, that defines my life.
My whole life I have put my work first, others second, and myself last. It is also hard to understand how this order dramatically affects my life. I never understood myself either; you see, until recently I have lived my life in this fashion without any question.
The simple order of those three words, ideas or things (whatever you would like to call it) was brought to my attention. It was brought to my attention because that one simple order has been affecting the way I live my life in a negative way.
At first, I was hesitant to agree, but after some thinking, I was left with no choice. It was not until that moment that I realized that I am a living doormat.
Now just like every other time that I have come to a realization, I replayed my life to try and understand. As I reached back into the past, it hit me that maybe they were right, maybe I have spent my whole life trying to please others. With this in mind, it became apparent that in the past I have always put 110% into my work, and maybe that extra 10% was a little too much.
I constantly strive to please my superiors, which in some cases shows dedication, but in my case, it also allowed them to walk all over me. My needs were not being met, and I felt as if I couldn't communicate that clearly; so, I gave them the idea that I was at their disposal. I would be able to do whatever whenever they needed me to.
When It comes to other people, I strive to make them happy – I always have. If something has the potential to upset my relationship with another person, I simply will ignore it and change my life to match theirs. I allow them to use me for what they need me for, and I ask nothing in return. I constantly put their needs before mine because they are the ones who deserve it. Now all this may just make me seem like a good person, but in the end, all it does is deteriorate my mental health.
With this in mind, I never take time for myself; I am constantly working to get good grades, do my job, and be a good friend. By the end of the day, there is no time left to worry about myself, but that didn't always bother me because I didn't deserve to spend time on myself.
I still don't believe that I can put myself first, but what I do know is that I am trying to. If we spend so much time worrying about the rest of the world, there is going to be nothing left for ourselves and that will leave us hollow.
